A VERY POTTER SITCOM: SEASON TWO!
by JacobKragoff
Summary: Season 2 of my popular  ish  fanfic "A very Potter Sitcom", based on the famous YouTube musicals. Watch the musicals on YouTube and read Season One before you read this story. Enjoy! New episodes basically weekly.
1. Episode one: Legally Blonde

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

SEASON 2, EPISODE 1!

"LEGALLY BLONDE"

(TV-14)

A parody on Legally Blonde with music from Legally Blonde the Musical. New characters, old characters, the whole nine yards. Great to be back, everyone!

P.S- I STRONGLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE 20 DAY DELAY! If it happens again, I will punish myself like Dobby does. BAD JACOB! BAD JACOB! UPLOAD ON TIME!

(The beginning sound of "Get back to Hogwarts" plays as the beginning credits show on screen)

YOUTUBE PICTURES AND FANFICTION PROUDLY PRESENTS

IN ASSOCIATION WITH STARKID ENTERTAINMENT

A JACOBKRAGOFF PRODUCTION

A VERY POTTER SITCOM!

SEASON TWO!

(The audience cheers as we see the stage and the music volume increases)

(We see the set for the Great Hall)

(We here Darren Criss singing overhead)

Darren, singing: I'm sick of summer, and this waiting around. Man, it's September and I'm skippin' this town. Hey, it's no mystery. There's nothing here for me (long note) NOW! I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I gotta get back to School. I gotta get myself to Hogwarts! Where everybody knows that I'm COOL! Back to Wizards and Witches and magical beast. Back to Goblins and Ghosts and to a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts. I think I'm goin' back.

(The door at the end opens and Chuck Criss, older brother of Darren and his replacement, enters, now dressed like Harry)

Harry: What's up? I'M BACK!

(Audience cheers wildly)

(He walks around the tables and begins singing)

Chuck/Harry singing: I'll see my friends, we're gonna laugh till we cry. Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky. No way, this year ANYONE's gonna die! And it's gonna be totally awesome! I'll cast a spell with a flick of my wand. Defeat the new Voldy, yeah! BRING IT ON! And do it all with my best friends, just like Hermon and Ron, and it's gonna be (long note) TOTALLYYYYYY…..

(Everyone else on the show runs in and the crowd goes wild with cheering loudly)

WHOLE CAST: AWESOOOMMMMEEEEE! Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts! Back to Goblins and Ghosts and a magical feast! It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Hell yeah, WE'RE BACK!

(Song ends)

(Audience cheers)

(All students sit at the tables while the teachers, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape, all stand in front of them, not facing the head table)

Dumbledore: WELCOME BACK KIDDIES! Now, it's going to be a VERY special year this year what with a weird resurrected version of Valdemort running around. But no pressure! There's nothing to worry about with our old security officer, Professor Umbridge!

(Gestures towards doors and everybody screams)

Dumbledore, laughing: I'm just kidding! But, of course you all remember my very good friend and secret crush, our very own Potions Professor, Professor Snape!

Snape, wide eyed as usual: Yay….. (Claps as audience claps more enthusiastically)

Snape: Well, now that my quiet summer is over and a new season of Doctor Who is starting, which I'll miss without TiVo, I have returned. I would like to apologize that only one of the episodes of Potion Master's Corner, yay, was aired here at Hogwarts instead of all of them.

Malfoy: No, it's okay. After last year, I didn't even watch your season premiere.

Snape, ignoring Malfoy: But rest assured we will have all episodes of season three up with no problems next summer.

(Students groan)

McGonagall: Also, we would like to show you all the new ceiling we installed.

Dumbledore: Yeah, it shows the sky.

(Everyone simultaneously and slowly looks up at the ceiling)

Everyone: OOOH. AHHH.

(McGonagall looks closer) 

McGonagall: Albus, there's something wrong with the ceiling.

Dumbledore: Well, what makes you say that, Minerva?

(All of a sudden, heavy water splashes on all of them and it begins raining in the Great Hall)

(As it thunders loudly students yell in shock)

McGonagall: Just a hunch, Albus.

(A large, limping and scary looking figure walks in through the usual door, raising his wand up)

Strange man: FINITE!

(The rain stops and everyone sits there, soaking wet)

(The tall man removes his hood to reveal a fat, ugly and scared face)

(The man is Mad Eye Moody)

(Audience cheers)

(Mad Eye is played by actor of Sirius and Filtch heavy makeup)

(He has a wide eyed expression with a loud, wheezing way of breathing)

Dumbledore: Everyone, I'd like you to meet our brand new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody.

Jacob: Is his last name Moody because of some sort of mood swing problems he has?

Moody: NO! THAT'S BULLCRAP! I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS WITH MY ATTITUDE! I AM SIMPLY FULL OF CONSTANT VIGILANCE! I HAVE NO SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS AT A-

(Sees Harry)

Moody, calm and normal: Oh, you're Harry Potter. (Shakes his hand and they greet each other)

(Moody stands and toughens up)

Moody, grunting: *Clears throat loudly* Well, if you're going to survive this year with that apparition of Voldemort running about, you'll need a lot of *suddenly yells* CONSTANT VIGILIANCE! Understand?

(Audience laughs)

Harry: Um, yes, sir.

Dumbledore: Harry, you look different. *Pause* Did you do something new to your hair?

Moody: Albus! *Leans in and whispers* Do you think I could be allowed to give Potter, Weasley, and Granger private lessons this year?

Dumbledore: Absolutely. Knock yourself out. *Addresses students* Now, kids we have another new teacher this year as well. He will not be able to join us this evening, however. You see, he is part of a brand new class that we have introduced to Hogwarts this year.

Neville, eyes closed and fingers crossed: Drama class, drama class, drama class.

Ron, doing the same thing: Cooking class, cooking class, cooking class.

Harry: Guitar lessons, guitar lessons, guitar lessons.

Malfoy: Something to do with Pigfarts, something to do with Pigfarts, something to do with Pigfarts.

Dumbledore: It is a Wizard Law Lawyer program.

(All students except Hermione groan)

Everyone: *Groan*

Ron, throwing a paper ball: Boring.

(Hermione stands up)

Hermione: It is not boring! Guys, being a lawyer in the Wizarding World can get you paid hundreds of galleons a case.

(Everyone stops groaning and suddenly smiles)

Jacob: When can we start the class?

Crabbe: Who can take it?

(All students begin yelling at each other)

(Dumbledore yells over them)

Dumbledore: We can't start fighting! You can all take the class, signups are later tonight. And we- Alaster, what's wrong?

(Moody is doubled up in pain)

Moody, to himself: Ah, I'm changing back. And I don't have any more Polyjuice Potion with me. Damn it. *To everyone* I must leave you now. I look forward to seeing you in classes tomorrow. See ya, kids. And remember, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

(Very quickly limps off)

(Everyone is left staring)

Snape: Oh, when the hell are we going to get a normal Defense against the Dark Arts teacher?

(Dumbledore shrugs)

Dumbledore: God only knows. Well, off to bed kids! Nighty night!

(They walk off and the screen goes black)

(Commercial break)

ENJOYING AVP SITCOM? BUT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A DARKER STORY? CHECK OUT "TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE. THE STORY" ON MY CHANNEL OR EVEN BETTER, "HOGWARTIAN HELL" ON MY SECOND CHANNEL UNDER USER NAME, JACOB KRAGOFF. 2ND CHANNEL WITH NO SPACES. I'VE WORKED HARD ON THOSE AND WOULD LOVE SOME MORE FEEDBACK ON THEM. ALSO, LOOK FORWARD TO MY LARGE FREDDY CRUGER FANFIC COMING SOON THAT CROSSES OVER HARRY POTTER, PERCY JACKSON, GOD OF WAR, AND MORE AS THEY ALL DEAL WITH THE TERROR OF FREDDY CRUGER FROM NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.

DON'T FORGET TO DONATE MONEY TO STARKID PRODUCTIONS. ALSO, CHECK OUT STARKID'S NEW NOVEL "THE BULLY BOOK" DETAILS ON YOUTUBE. MAKE SURE TO LOOK OUT FOR THE MOVIE PRODUCTION OF "THE BULLY BOOK" CREATED BY MYSELF AND OTHERS COMING SOON TO A YOUTUBE NEAR YOU! MOVIE APPROVED BY STARKID BY NOT SPONSERED BY STARKID. COMING MOST LIKELY SOME TIME IN LATE 2012 OR EARLY 2013, UPDATES AND TRAILERS COMING TO YOUTUBE SOON! 

(End of Commercial break)

(We return to see Harry, Ron, Hermione, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Cho, Jacob, Lavender, the extra girl with no name who always stands in a group with Cho and Lavender, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle all sitting in a large classroom with a large, brown door)

(Everyone is sitting, talking excitedly)

Hermione: If this class goes well, like all of my classes, I plan on becoming a Lawyer when I leave Hogwarts. It's a well-paid and very respectable career.

Ron and Harry, flatly: That's great, Hermione.

Hermione: I really want to learn how to place arguments in front of a load of jurors. I'm sure I'd be good at it.

(Ron and Harry look at each other and then look away)

Ron and Harry, flatly: That's great, Hermione.

Hermione, quickly: And I really hope that I can pass this class at the top, I mean that WILL look much better on an application, of course I've never exactly wanted to be a lawyer until now. Before I decided to take this class, I really wanted to be a Wizard Cop, but now that just doesn't really seem the right profession for me. I'm sure that I know how to do it, of course, but that's really quite actually beside the point at hand here-

Ron and Harry: Shut up, Hermione. 

(Audience laughs and Hermione is quiet, looking slightly hurt)

Cho: I wonder who this strange man will be that will be teaching us. I mean, there's just nothing better than a new teacher, wouldn't you say?

Malfoy: I actually heard it's somebody we might recognize. I hope that's a good thing, because there are a lot of people we might recognize that we wouldn't want to see again….like Umbridge.

(The entire class shivers and looks terrified at the thought)

Hermione: I heard that this teacher was considered to teach Defense against the Dark Arts, because he has experience teaching it, but that he was assigned to this job after becoming a lawyer for the Ministry.

Jacob: Didn't he represent Quirrel on an appeal to get out of Azkaban?

Harry: Yeah, I heard about that. I also heard they lost so, I guess that shows this guy's good at what he does, right?

(The class laughs)

(There is a knocking on the door and the class quiets down)

(The door opens and Remus Lupin walks out to loud applause from the audience, smiling at the students) 

Lupin: You have the right to remain silent. Anything that you say can and WILL be held against you. *Pause* What's up, gang?

(The students cheer) 

(Harry runs up to great his old teacher)

Harry: Oh, Lupin, I thought you were dead.

Lupin: Yeah, well. I thought so too until I got the phone call from Dumbledore saying I was back on as a teacher.  
>Harry, happy: Al right!<p>

Lupin: Yeah!

(Harry sits)

(Quick piano music plays)

Lupin: Now when you choose a law career, the moment you embark, there's always that joke you're bound to hear, "A lawyer is a shark".

(Class laughs)

Lupin: Well, ignore that! It's simplistic and it's dumb. Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some…but the rest of you…are chum…

(Music becomes slow and dance like)

Lupin, singing: Our topic is blood in the water. Kids, it's time you faced…law class is a waste. Oh yes, unless, you require a taste for Blood in the water, dark and red and raw! You're nothing until the thrill of the kill becomes your only law. (Beat)

Lupin, speaking: Seamus, hypothetical question. Would you be willing to defend the following banker accused of fraud? *singing* A kind old grandma took her savings and she sent it off to your client, all she saved since she was born. Well, he promised to invest it, but he spent it, on prostitutes and heroine and PORN!

(Beat)

Seamus: No, I would not want to take that case.

Lupin, speaking: Wrong! This is a win unless you're lazy! Grandma's broke; she'll have some hack from legal aid! Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy. Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid!

(Beat)

Lupin, singing: Look for Blood in the water. Read your Thomas Hobbs, a Muggle who says that only spineless snobs will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs. Yes, blood in the water. Your scruples are a flaw.

(He turns to the extra girl we've always seen)

Lupin: Pavarti! Hypothetical question. Would you be the right lawyer for the following client? (Sings) Say, they offer you a bundle for defending a famous hit man for the Wizarding mafia elite. Seems he missed his chosen prey, killed a nun, and drove away, running over three cute little puppies in the street.

Patil: What, you think I wouldn't defend him just because he's a typical man? *Laughs hysterically*

Lupin, smiling: Ah, yes, Pavarti. Ah, yes….(serious expression) You lesbians think you're so tough, don't you?

(Students gasp and smile, Malfoy laughing, as the audience laughs and begins clapping)

Pavarti, stammering: But…I…y-you…

Lupin, shouting and singing: OH! I fear my comment has offended! Hard to argue, though, when you're too mad to speak. Your employment will be very quickly ended when they see how your emotions make you weak! (Beat) So I wanna see….Blood in the water! Dark and red and raw! You are nothing until the thrill of the KILL becomes your only LAW! (Beat) So, what's my point? Guys, I now have a billion galleon law firm! And I hire a group of new interns every year. From this class, I will select some young sharks whom I respect and those kids will have a guaranteed career!

(Beat and pause as Hermione looks at him, surprised and excited at the news)

Lupin: So, I wanna see….what?

Students, uncertainly: Blood in the water.

Lupin: Yes! DARK AND RED AND RAW!

(He turns to Cho)

Lupin: Would…uh….would you like to answer a question now, Cho?

Cho, enthusiastically: Yes! Definitely!

Lupin: Someone's had their morning coffee. (Students laugh) Would you please summarize the case of the Werewolf support group vs. the Vampire Underworld Counsel of 1712?

(Audience laughs)

Cho: Um….actually….I wanted to answer the puppy question.

Lupin: Aw, but, Cho, I'm asking you about the assigned reading last night.

Cho: Okay, who assigns reading on the first day of class? (Laughs)

Lupin: Cho, I've changed now. I'm much more of a hard ass and it seems you still have guts. Hermione! (Angrily as music beats darkly) HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION!

(Pause)  
>Lupin: Let's say you teach a law class at Hogwarts Wizard School. A position you are justly proud about. But the student, on whom you call, hasn't even read the case at all! Should you let it go or-<p>

Hermione, proudly: No. I'd throw her out!

(Beat as everyone looks at Hermione and Lupin with shock)

Lupin, to Cho: Alright, then. You heard your classmate.

(Students stand)

Students: Ooohhoo.

Lupin: You've just been killed.

(Cho stands and grabs her bag, looking scared of Lupin)

Students: Ooohhoo.

Lupin: She cut your, throat. So, grab your coat! *She grabs her coat*

All, except Cho: Yes, you've got guts, but now they're spilled. Your…..blood's in the water.

Lupin: So, would you please withdraw? (They step out of the classroom and the door turns so that we see Cho standing in the hallway with Lupin and the class in the doorway)

Lupin: And if you return, be ready to learn. Or is that unfair? Oh, wait. I DON'T CARE! That's just how I rule in life and in school with fear and gear and gall! You're nothing until-

Students: Blood in the water.

Lupin: The thrill of the kill.

Students: Blood in the water.

Lupin: Becomes your only LAW!

Students: BLOOD IN THE WATER!

Lupin: YOUR ONLY LAW!

Students: BLOOD IN THE WATER!

Lupin: YOUR ONLY LAW!

Students: BLOOD IN THE WATER!

Lupin: YOUR ONLY LAW…..AWWWAAA!

Students: BLOOD IN THE WAAATTEEERRRR!

(Song ends as Lupin pulls doors abruptly shut)

(Audience cheers)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Harry and Ron in the Gryffindor common room)

(Ron has his back to the camera and his fixing something)

Harry: Are you almost done, man?

Ron: Yeah. (Turns to the screen and steps away to reveal a microwave oven) I think that outta do it.

(Audience laughs)

Harry: Alright, now we can make hot pockets and stuff while we're supposed to be doing homework.

Ron: Sounds like a plan to me.

(They high five)  
>Ron: Okay, buddy. What should we microwave first?<p>

Harry: Oh, Chinese food. Duh!

Ron: Yeah, they hardly ever serve stuff like that down in the Great Hall. That and pizza.

Harry: Yeah, I mean we like LIVE on chicken here.

Ron: I know.

(He pulls out a black, circular container with Chinese food in it from a large box)

Ron: Okay, so two minutes outta do it.

Harry: 'K.

(We quickly cut to Cho sitting in the Library looking hurt, Hermione walking by her) 

Cho: Hermione, do you still hate me?

(Hermione pauses and then turns to Cho)

Hermione, angrily: Cho. I'm sorry, but you're still full of yourself. You know, I can't even remember a time when you weren't talking about how every guy in Hogwarts wants to date you. I mean, I'm dating Ron and he even seems to like you better.

Cho: Well, I don't mean to come off like that.

(Seamus and Dean walk by)

Seamus and Dean: Hi, Cho.

(Cho sits back, showing leg and flipping her hair in a very sexy motion)

Cho: Hi, boys.

(They stare for a moment)

Seamus and Dean, faintly (almost whispering) while smiling largely: Bye….

(They turn to walk away but Hermione walks in front of them)

Hermione: Hi, boys.

(Flips her hair back and does a weird face that is attempting to look sexy but instead comes off as she smelled something odd)

(They freeze and say nothing) 

Seamus and Dean, quickly: Bye!

(They rush off)

Hermione, frustrated: See? The only time I ever looked good was at that dance in second year. You know, the night your boyfriend got killed and Voldemort returned to the world.

Cho: Yeah, that was a weird night.

Hermione: Well, Professor Lupin is only letting a limited number of students go to work as interns for that court case. I am NOT going to favor anybody.

Cho: Then how come you were just doing Harry and Ron's Law class homework?

(Pause)

Hermione: Um….they're busy with an important project right now.

(We cut to Harry and Ron sitting on the couch while the microwave is on)

Harry: Hey, Ron.

Ron: Hm?

Harry: How much longer until our two minutes is up?

Ron: Oh, just a few more minutes.

Harry, smiling: Oh.

(Audience laughs)

(Cut back to Hermione and Cho)

Hermione: Anyway, I don't think I should waste my time standing here talking to you. I am a beautiful person (begins to walk toward the door) and I am not gonna stay here and let you make me feel like some, dumb ugly person.

(Opens door and we see Jacob)

Jacob, wide eyed and shocked: OH, GROSS! NIGHTROLL!

(Runs away)

(Audience laughs hard)

(Hermione looks very upset and then runs through the door)

Cho: Hermione, wait! Oh, shoot! Well, maybe Ron and Harry Potter'll help her. After all, they are two intelligent, young, strapping boys.

(Cut to Harry and Ron standing around the microwave)

Harry: Are you sure it still needs to stay in there?

Ron: Just a couple more minutes.

Harry: You said that a couple of minutes ago!

Ron: WELL, I CHANGED MY MIND AND I'M SAYING IT AGAIN!

(Dumbledore and Snape walk in)

Snape: What the DEVIL is going on HEEERRREEE?

(They see the microwave)

Dumbledore: Um, Harry, Ron, what the hell is that thing doing here?

Harry: Oh, we're making Chinese food.

Dumbledore: Chinese food?

Harry and Ron: Yeah.

Snape: Well, (walks over to the large box) Are the smaller containers microwavable?

Ron: Yeah, totally.

(The microwave explodes and there is smoke everywhere)

(The group of four coughs and waves their wands to clear the smoke)

(Snape picks up the box and reads it)

Dumbledore: What the hell, Weasley? I thought you said it was microwavable.

Harry: We thought it was.

Dumbledore: Well, YOU THOUGHT WRONG, DIDN'T YA?

Harry: How were we supposed to know that it would…

Dumbledore: Explode?

Ron: There was no warning label on the container!

Snape: There's a warning label on the box.

(Audience laughs)

Harry: Detention?

Snape: For two weeks, Potter. And ten points from Gryffindor!

Ron: Okay.

(We cut to Law class the next day)

Lupin: Okay, gang. Now, I was a jerk yesterday. I miss being everybody's favorite teacher and I promise to be nicer from now on, okay?

Class: Okay.

Lupin: Good. Cho, I apologize to you in particular.

Cho: Oh, it's alright!

Lupin, smiling: Good. I'm glad to be back. And I want you all to know that I missed you.

(He walks to his desk)

Neville: Professor, may I ask who we will be defending soon?

Lupin: Oh…..um…..you're not gonna like it. I mean, I don't.

Ron: Is it Taylor Lautner?

Lupin: Um…It's Umbridge.

(Audience gasps and laughs as students all look terrified)

Jacob: Dun DUN DUUNNNNN!


	2. Episode two: Legally Blonde Part 2

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

EPISODE 2, SEASON 2

"LEGALLY BLONDE PART 2"

(TV-14- DL)

Music from Legally Blonde used

Idea of Legally Blonde/ AVPM crossover originally used by YouTube video maker huffley6 in music videos at YouTube. They have made many excellent videos and I strongly suggest all fans reading this go and enjoy them, especially the two featured in this episode.

(We begin with the usual title screen)

(We then see Snape standing on the stage in darkness with a spotlight on him, giving an announcement)

Snape: Attention all AVPS viewers. Previously on our show, you watched as Professor Lupin, who is unfit to teach students and is a danger to himself and everyone around him along with the fact that he never actually graduated, returned. We also discovered that Lupin really CAN sing after all. Anywho, the students all participated in a brand new class that teaches how to become a lawyer in the Wizarding World. Soon, some shall be selected to work for Professor Lupin, who is somehow a lawyer now, as an intern to defend Dolores Jane Umbridge in an upcoming court case….

(He turns away and then turns back around)

Snape: Oh, I almost forgot. Potter and Weasley blew up a microwave or something. Enjoy!

(He walks off and audience cheers as we see the set of Lupin's new classroom with all of the students inside, ready for class)

Lupin: Alright, gang. Now, today, after two whole weeks of school, I am already going to select some new students to be in my intern group.

Goyle: Goyle will get in because Goyle rules.

Lupin: Yes, we are aware of that, Greg. Now, it's time. Everyone stand up and get into a large group.

(They do so)

Lupin: Alright. Now, it's time for the winners to be chosen.

(Everyone smiles brightly, looking excited)

Lupin: Draco Malfoy!

Malfoy: HA! I FINALLY BEAT YOU ALL! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? HUH?

Lupin: Malfoy, most people made it in, now sit down and shut up.

(Looks at paper)

Lupin: Hermione Granger.

(Hermione squeals with delight)

Hermione: AH! I squealed with delight!

Lupin: Ron and Harry.

Harry: What's up?

Ron, calmly: Word!

(They take their seats)

Lupin: Jacob Kragoff.

Jacob, smiling like Cedric: Well…I don't find this surprising at all.

Lupin: Yes, Jacob. Yes. Now you may sit down. Uh…let's see here….Lavender Brown.

(The Cho Chang theme plays as Lavender takes her seat, pressing her palms and fingers together like a stereotypical Asian greeting)

Lupin: Pavarti Patil.

(And Indian girl walks in)

Ginny in fake Indian accent: Greetings, Pavarti. Welcome to our land…. I am Gin-

Everyone else: THAT'S ANGELINA JOHNSON!

(Audience laughs)

Ron, undertone: Racist sister.

(The extra girl from last episode, the lesbian, walks in)

Pavarti: Glad I made it.

Lupin: I'm glad you did too…*undertone*you little lesbo.

(Looks at slip of paper)

Lupin: And Cho Chang!

Cho: OH, my God, I won! I'm very, VERY happy about this, Professor.

Lupin, smiling: Yeah. So am I, Cho. So am I.

(Cho walks to her seat, squealing comically with her mouth closed and her eyes wide open)

Lupin: The rest of you. Thank you for your participation. Please exit the classroom.

(They exit as Goyle stays and shouts)

Goyle: I am gonna make it, Mr. Lupin! I am better than you think! I can do this! And I am gonna rock this world! You gonna say a little bit from now, "yeah, I was wrong about Goyle!" yeah!

(He storms out)

Lupin: Why the American Idol outburst? Now he gets a two hour free period.

(Puts paper in his pocket as door closes)

Lupin: Alright, guys. Now, we're gonna watch a video about our defendant. We're gonna see why she's there and what we're gonna do to help her. 

Harry: We should just let her rot in Prison!

Everyone: Yeah!

Lupin: They're paying us all by the hour.

Everyone, scattered: Oh well, we should just help, you know be the bigger people, yeah forgive and forget, why not?

Lupin: Okay. Here we go. (Points wand at a large screen) Play…..

(We see Umbridge on the screen in an orange prison uniform but still with her pink cardigan)

(Audience claps)

Umbridge: From now on…we gonna be doin' things my way.

(She is speaking to a group of other prison girls all played by the usual Starkid girls, all sitting down and looking fearful)

Umbridge: We gonna be doin' things….THE UMBRIDGE WAY!

Girl, played by Lavender: Oh, God help us.

(A bouncy, dance song begins)

(Umbridge grabs the girl by the ponytail)

Umbridge, singing: Do you want an easy miracle? Do you wanna lose a pound or two?

(Walks to center stage)

Umbridge, singing: Then you can leave this room right now, my workout's not for you. I'm talking to the woman who wants it all! Gotta pay for what you get (BEAT) 'Cause size 2 clothes don't to those too lazy to sweat.

(Song picks up and other inmates join in)

Umbridge, with others: I want you WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! When I say jump, SAY "HOW HIGH?" You know you're doing it right when you start TO CRY! If you don't look like you should-

Umbridge: YOU'VE GOT TO-

Others: Whip it! Whip it! Whip it good!

Umbridge: I'm sorry ladies, no escape (BEAT) till you're WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

(Girls form a line)

(Umbridge grabs Cho's other character by the hair and yells at her)

Umbridge: Come on, Sabrina, you heifer! Work it out!

(Shoves her hard)

Sabrina: I hate you, Umbridge! (Brightly) But I LOVE you for it!

Umbridge: Whipped into shape! I used to be a chubby little, little girl. (Beat) Till my Momma said "Now Dolores, work until you hurl!" And from that moment on, I didn't rely on looks or pretty little hair made locks! Instead I ate nothing but eggs and shakes and some good old fashion ROCKS! I want you-

Everyone: WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! When I say jump, DO NOT DIE! You have to work really hard, or kiss your hips good-bye! If you don't look like you should-

Umbridge: YOU'VE GOT TO-

Everyone: WHIP IT! WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!

Umbridge and others: Don't flap your wait like a cape! (BEAT) Just get yourself WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

(Dance beats)

Umbridge, speaking loudly as girls exercise: YOU KEEP ME YOUNG, GIRLS! YOU KEEP ME YOUNG! A DER DER DER DER DEEERRR!

(Image freezes)

Hermione's voice as we still see image: Hey, why'd you pause it?

(We see classroom)

Lupin: We have a lot to cover.

(Slower beat)

Lupin, singing: Meet your brand new client, Umbridge the old crook. You can laugh, but she's made tons off her DVD's and book, "Whip your way to tighter buns!" (Beat*2) Happily married, so she swears, to her 60 year old stud. Till step daughter came downstairs and found Umbridge all covered in his blood!

(BEAT)

Lupin: If she took a plea, I'd have her out in 3 to 4. But she claims she did not kill him-

Neville, standing: Did she?

Lupin: Let's watch some more.

(We see screen again as video resumes)

(Quick techno beats as song picks up again and image begins again)

Umbridge, singing: But it's more than just a work out, it's a defensive weapon too.

(We see a flashback of her kicking Hermione in AVPS)

Others: HUH!

Umbridge, singing: Simply wrap it 'round your assailants neck and pull till he turns blue.

Others: HUH!

(We see Umbridge choking Snape in AVPS)

Umbridge, singing: You can also use the patented handle grip to shatter your attacker's spine-

(Others shout "HUH!" as we see Umbridge raise "Momma's little love hand" about to hit Hermione in AVPS)

Umbridge: And all for three small payment of

All: $19.99!

Umbridge: I want you WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! When you get grief from a guy-

(Umbridge grabs an actor and pulls him into a headlock)

Umbridge: -just work him over with this, till he starts to cry! If he don't act like he should-

(Umbridge stamps on floor as usual)

Umbridge: YOU'VE GOT TO-

Others: WHIP IT! WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!

All: It gets you out of any scrape. It gets you…WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

(Dance, techno music as they exercise)

Umbridge: Come on, people!

Others: WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

Umbridge: What does not kill us makes us hotter!

(Umbridge prepares to stomp again but the video is paused again and we see Lupin in class)

Lupin, spoken: Hands! Now, who thinks she's guilty?

(All kids raise their hands)

Lupin, singing: Okay, now here is where you kids come in! Umbridge has trouble trusting me, but I'm her only chance to win! But I don't speak Witch Weekly or MTV. Though she won't help her own defense, she might listen to her old students, not her peers! Go and place a little sense in the space between her ears.

(Hermione raises her hand)

Hermione, spoken: I have dealt with-

Lupin, spoken: Not now. (BEAT) *Singing* I want her whipped into shape. If there's a brain in that hair, tell it that I am the key. She must sit in that chair! She has to tell her side to the court with sadness, no bliss. It's a plea or the Dementor's kiss! See, when I talk to her I get neither plea nor plan nor alibi. To quote from our defendant's tape (BEAT) I want her Whipped into Shape! To Azkaban!

(Students cheer things like "Whoo, fieldtrip" etc., etc.)

(The back board of the set rises and the desks move away and we see Azkaban prison with Umbridge standing in the middle of scary looking, dancing, tough inmate girls)

(Audience goes wild with cheering as they see Joe Walker)

Umbridge, yelling: LADIES! Just because we're in Azkaban's area of Women's Correctional facility, does not mean we can't become the best that we can be! HERE WE GO!

(They do the dance that Umbridge and the Dementors performed in the song "Stutter" from AVPS)

Umbridge: Circle, circle, under, over, through, around! AGAIN! (They repeat) GOOD! Circle, circle, under, over, through, around! All right, ladies. We can't break out of here, but we sure can break a sweat!

(Techno plays in the background)

Umbridge: Left! Right! Left! Right! Good!

All, singing loudly: Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right!

Umbridge: WORK IT OUT!

(Music slows with very loud beats)

Everyone, loudly: I WANT YOU WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! WHEN I SAY JUMP, SAY "HOW HIGH?" YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT WHEN YOU START TO CRY! IF YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD-

Umbridge: YOU'VE GOT TO-

Other: WHIP IT! WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD!

Umbridge: Like prison, ladies, there's no escape! (BEAT*2) Till you're WHIPPED INTO SHAAAPPEE!

Others: Whip it! Whip it!

Blonde girl: Whipped into SHAAAAAHEEYYYAAPPEE!

Others: Whip it!

Umbridge: Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through! Check it out! Double jump!

Others: Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through! Check it out! Double jump!

Umbridge: THAT'S RIGHT! YOU'VE GOT IT!

(Rock guitar in the background)

Others: Whip it, whip it, whip it!

Everyone: GET WHIPPED INTO SHAPE!

(Quick end and audience cheers very loudly)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Umbridge sitting in a small room)

(She looks up as the class and Lupin walks in)

Lupin, cheerfully: Umbridge! Meet you're new defense team!

(Umbridge takes a look at the students)

Umbridge: Them?

Lupin: Right.

Umbridge: Them?

Lupin: Yeah.

(Long pause)

Umbridge, flopping her arms down in pity: Well….I'm f***ed.

(Audience laughs)

Hermione: You should so a little more respect to us, Umbridge after the way you treated us, we're still here to help you!

Ron: I'm just in it for the money.

(Everyone else nods)

Malfoy: You a horrible woman and we know you killed your husband!

Umbridge, sitting up: No I didn't!

(Chad comes out of nowhere)

Chad: Yes you did, you bitch!

(Pause)

Umbridge: Who the hell are you?

Chad: Um…

Lupin: Chad, go back to Hogwarts please.

Chad: Okay.

(He walks out but stops)

Chad: Hey, is our class gonna defend anybody this year?

Lupin: Yeah, next term we're defending Charlie Sheen.

(Audience laughs)

Lupin: That is, if he isn't dead yet.

(Chad nods and walks out)

Cho: You were really becoming something after your little porn flick with those centaurs and you had to go and throw it all away!

(Umbridge stands up, furious)

Umbridge: I DIDN'T KILL HIM!

Harry: Yes you did!

Umbridge: YOU DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE, POTTER?

Harry, angrily: YES I AM!

(Pause)

Umbridge: Oh….I'm not used to that kind of response.

(Audience laughs)

Lupin: Look, I know she's done some bad stuff to us in the past-

Jacob: Like fire you.

Ron: And working with Death Eaters.

Hermione: Destroying our school's system.

Neville: Trying to kill Dumbledore.

Harry: Trying to kill Harry freakin' Potter.

Cho: Threatening to rip my boobs off.

Lavender: Calling me a chubby little bitch.

Pavarti: Calling me a lesbian.

Lupin: No, that was me.

Pavarti: Oh, right.

Seamus: Beating up Firenze.

Umbridge, pointing: I made up for that one with sex and saving their race from extinction.

Dean: Oh, and making me magically cut my hand open with a quill and a piece of paper.

(Pause)

Cho: When did _that _happen?

Dean: Um…when she was Headmistress, you know.

Harry: All that and MORE.

Everyone else: Yeah.

(Pause)

Umbridge: Oh my God…..I am a bitch. I am a bitch! But I can change, kids. I swear to God! I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the law, to help other people at all times. To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight!

(Audience claps)

Malfoy: Why did you just recite the Boy Scout Law?

Umbridge: I couldn't think of anything else!

Lupin: Well, guys. I think we can forgive her, right?

Others: No.

(Pause)

Lupin: You all get paid if you do a really good job, remember?

(Everyone says things like "Oh, yeah, we can forgive her." "Sure, why not?" "Time to move on." Etc. etc.)

Lupin: Now, Umbridge. Let's try this again. Where were you the day you husband was killed?

Umbridge: I have an excellent answer to that question, Remus….but I cannot tell you.

Lupin, irritated: Oh, for God's sakes, Umbridge! Why not?

Umbridge, childishly: It's too embarrassing!

Jacob: Oh, were you buying "How to pick up a man" books or something? That can be embarrassing.

Umbridge: No! It was nothing like that….it was a….procedure.

(They all look at her chest)

Ron: Umbridge….why do your boobs look less manish?

(They all look at her with "Oh, you didn't!" looks on their faces)

Harry: Oh, please say it isn't true.

Umbridge: Fine! I GOT BOOBY INPLANTS!

(Dementor comes in)

Dementor: I'm sorry, what?

Umbridge: Um, never mind.

Dementor: Visiting hour are over, kids.

Lupin: Alright, gang. Let's head back to Hogwarts. We'll meet with Umbridge tomorrow afternoon.

(Commercial break)

NEW EPISODES OF "TWO AND A HALF MEN", "THE BIG BANG THEORY", "CSI:CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION", AND "CRIMINAL MINDS" ALL ON CBS!

"A VERY POTTER SITCOM" IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY REDVINES!

(We return to see Severus Snape standing, ready to make an announcement)

Snape: Attention all Hogwartians! Today is the trial of Dolores Jane Umbridge. And…I know Hogwarts is representing her, but it's gonna be a lot of fun to watch her go down. Where's the TV, I'm gonna go watch.

(He skips off with a large grin on his face)

(Jazzy song begins as the curtain rises and we see a large courtroom)

(Arthur Weasley played by Nick Lang walks in front of the courtroom)

Arthur in his funny voice: And now I would like to present the judge of today's case. Here he is, the crazy one, the one who would see to the death of all dark magic! The ex. Head of the Wizard Cops! His honor, presiding today, the one….the only, thank God, BARTY CROUCH!

(Crouch stands up from behind the tall desk wearing a grey set of robes/suit played by Tyler Brunsman with a frown and depressed look, a Hitler mustache and short cut black hair)

Crouch, singing: You look on me like I'm nothing but spew!

Hermione: Hey!

Crouch: An old, ugly fart. Nothing special or new. But I assure you, that I can do….anything.

Backup Ministry workers: Anything.

Crouch: I have succeeded in business without really trying. But I did have stress. And my people are dying.

Workers: People are dying.

(Moves down from desk and walks around, dancing strangely with weird unenthusiastic jazz hands)

Crouch: But prosecution and working the institution are what I do best! I am strong, smart and great! I don't care for being late. Always on time, the world is mine! I am totally on top of things. I have expensive stuff like golden strings (swings a golden string around) oh, God what I could do with some f**king wings! I am Crouch, the business man! Smart and strong! I do what I can. If you think I'm not your guy, then you can just go crawl in a hole and die!

Workers: Oh, yes. Go to the hole and DIE….

Crouch: I know just about everything! I am smart with a fancy bling! I may not be hot, may not be new. But there's a lot, I know I can do! Just give me a shot, a leap of faith! All the criminals will be caught and the Wizarding World will be SAFE! For I am Crouch… (Beat) The….. (Beat)….business…. (Beat)….*long finishing note* MAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!

(Finish)

(Audience cheers)

Crouch: Very well. That was fun. Let's get started, shall we?

(We see the group sitting with Umbridge)

Harry: Now, remember the story that we all agreed on.

Umbridge: Right. It wasn't surgery on my boobs….

Others: Right.

Umbridge: It was surgery on my ass.

Lupin: No, we agreed that it would be less embarrassing to be on your arm and that you wer-

Umbridge: It was on my ass!

Lupin, scared: Okay.

Crouch: Okay. Let's beg-

(Bangs the hammer once on the desk and the hammer breaks in half)

Crouch: -in- oh, s**t.

(Pulls out his wand and points at the hammer for a second and then points it in the opposite direction)

Crouch: Accio hammer #7.

(A hammer flies out and lands in his right hand as he throws the other one away and puts away his wand)

Crouch: Now, let's begin.

(Bangs hammer and it too breaks)

Crouch: Oh! What the he- you know what. Forget it. I'll just bang with my hand. Let's begin!

(Bangs his hand and yelps in pain)

Crouch: ARGH! That's a really f**king hard desk! Oh s**t!

(Begins to walk out of the courtroom)

Crouch's voice as he leaves: Somebody get the f***ing nurse! Oh, MOTHER F**K!

(They all look in his direction and then at the desk as Arthur)

Arthur: Okay, I guess it's my job now. Let's begin.

(Raises his hand to bang but stops and hesitates)

Arthur: Um….er…bang. Alright, here we go! (Laughs and retrieves some files)

Voice, offstage: Did I miss this important trial?

(Rita Skeeter walks in with her parchment and quill as usual and the audience cheers loudly)

Harry: What do YOU want, Skeeter?

Rita: Oh, I'm just here as an observer. Nothing bad. No, nothing bad at all.

(See's Umbridge)

Rita: Why, dear readers, if it isn't the big bad bitch herself?

(Umbridge rolls her eyes)

Rita: So, my dear. Is it true you really killed your husband with a rather extensive Sectum Sempra curse?

Lupin: No, it WAS her wand but we suspect someone else in the house used it before Umbridge came home.

Arthur: Well, why was it at home? That's right, we actually already started.

Umbridge: I left it there.

(Others nod)

Umbridge: I don't like to take my wands to my ass surgery.

(Others groan)

Umbridge: Oh! I mean my boob surgery! Oh, wait. That was the one we wanted to hide. *Undertone* S**t!

(Rest of the courtroom stares at her)

Arthur: Um, alright. The first witness to the stand!

Runcorn, played by Jim Povolo: Yes, your honor. I call Nikos Argitakos to the stand.

Umbridge: Our pool boy?

(The actor of Fez from "That 70's Show" walks in and the audience cheers)

Nikos: Yes, I am here to speak.

Runcorn: Please sit on the stand random foreigner.

(Nikos sits, putting his feet up and looking casual)

Runcorn: Mr. Architacos…what was your relationship with Ms. Umbridge?

Nikos, slightly dramatically: Why…..we were lovers.

(The others gasp)

(The group leans in)

Harry: Well, is it true?

Umbridge: No! I mean, well, I liked to watch him work in that tiny speedo he was required to wear by my demands, but that was it.

Seamus: Why is this so bad?

Lupin: Don't you get it? That's motive!

Arthur: Any day now….

Hermione: Um…..I request a very short half hour recess.

Arthur: Granted. I need my coffee. Bang!

(Scene change to Hermione running up to Cho outside courtroom)

Hermione: Cho! You now that incredibly sexy hair flip thing you do?

Cho: Oh, (she does it, giggling) yeah…

Hermione: Okay. He wouldn't be able to resist you if I was wrong. Come with me.

(She pulls her near Nikos who is leaning up against a wall, looking calm and casual)

Hermione: Impress him.

Cho: Got it. One bonerized man coming right up!

(She walks up to him and does the hair flip)

(He barely notices her)

(She does it again, more flushed than usual)

(He rolls his eyes)

(She looks hurt and begins to show a bit of upper leg)

(He still does nothing)

(Cho walks over to Hermione)

Cho: I don't understand! I'm supermeganfoxyawesomehot!

(Audience laughs)

Cho: I mean…how? What? Why? What is with him?

(Hermione grins)

Hermione: He's gay.

(Cho's mouth widens)

Cho: Oh, my Gosh. That's perfect!

(They excitedly high five and run back to the courtroom as a school bell rings)

Nikos: Well, looks like recess is over.

(He walks away)

(Commercial Break)

(We return to see Hermione and Cho talking to the group as quite, bouncy kind of music plays, building up as we go along)

Lupin: So THAT's what we're gonna use? He wasn't turned on by our school slut- no offense, Cho.

Cho: None taken.

Hermione: No, sure. Look, he's on the stand again. Trust me, I'm SURE that he's gay.

Umbridge: And that would prove I wasn't cheating on my husband.

Ron: That is, unless everyone thinks you're a guy.

Umbridge: Shut up.

Hermione: I'm positive, sir.

Lupin: No, I need REAL proof! I mean, how do you REALLY know that he's gay?

(Song picks up very fast)

Hermione, singing very fast: There! Right There! Look at that tan and well-kept skin! Look at that slightly stubbly chin, oh please, he's gay. Totally Gay!

Lupin: I'm not about to celebrate. Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate. This guy's not gay, I say not gay.

Rest of group: That is the elephant in the room. Well, is it relevant to assume that a man who wear perfume is automatically, radically fey?

Jacob: But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.

(Zoom on Nikos' legs)

Hermione: Look at those silk translucent socks.

(Back to normal view)

Lupin: There's the eternal paradox. Look what we're seeing.

Hermione: What are we seeing?

Lupin: Is he GAAAYY-

Hermione: Of course he's gay!

Lupin: Or other than British, European?

(BEAT!)

(Pause)

Group: Ohhhh…..

(Beat*3)

Group: Gay or European? It's hard to guarantee? Is he Gay or European?

Jacob: Well, hey. Don't look at me.

Rita: You see, they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports-

Others: In shinny shirts and tiny shorts. (BEAT) Gay or foreign fella? The answer could take weeks. They will say things like "ciao bella" while they kiss you on both cheeks.

Hermione: Oh please.

Others: Gay European? So many shades of gray!

Ron: Depending on the time of day, the French go either way!

All: Is he Gay or European?

Pavarti: There! Right There! Look at the condescending smirk. Seen it on every guy at work! That is a metro, hetero jerk! This guy's not gay, I say no way!

All: That is the elephant in the room. Well, is it relevant to presume that a hottie in that costume

Cho: Is automatically-radically

Lupin: Ironically-chronically

Hermione: Certainly pertin'tly

Ron: Genetically-medically

(They see him seemingly hitting on a guard)

All: GAY! OFFICIALLY GAY! OFFICIALLY GAY, GAY, GAY, GA-

(He kisses the hand of a pretty lady and charms her)

All: DAMN IT!

All: Gay or European?

Seamus: So stylish and relaxed.

All: Is he Gay or European?

Neville: I think his chest is waxed!

Rita: But they bring their boys up different there, it's culturally diverse. It's not a fashion curse-

All: If he wears a kilt or bears a purse. Gay or just exotic? I still can't crack the code.

Malfoy, strutting comically and falling and rolling: Yes, his accent is hypnotic but his shoes are pointy toed.

All: Huh.

All: Gay or European? So many shades of gray!

Umbridge: But if he turns out straight, I'm free at Eight on Saturday!

All: Is he Gay or European? Gay or European? GAY OR EURO-

Harry: Wait a minute! Give me a chance to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try.

Lupin: The floor is yours.

(Harry walks in front of Nikos who hasn't heard a word of the student's song)

Harry: So, Mister Argitakos….this alleged affair with Ms. Umbridge has been going on for….?

Nikos: Two years.

Harry: And your first name again is….?

Nikos: Nikos.

Harry: Name of boyfriend?

Nikos: Carlos.

Group: AHA!

Nikos, looking terrified: I'm sorry! I misunderstand! You say boyfriend, I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.

(A good looking guy in a leather jacket and tan skin jumps on)

Carlos: You bastard! (BEAT) You lying bastard! (BEAT) That's it! I no cover for you no more! Peoples! Listen up! I have a big announcement!

(Song picks up)

Carlos: This man is gay AND European!

Entire group: WHOA!

Carlos: No matter what he says! You've got to stop your being a completely closet case! Even the rest of them can see it, no matter what you say! I swear he never ever ever swing the other way. You are so gay, you big parfait! You flaming boy band cabaret.

Nikos: I'M STRAIGHT!

(Carlos pats his head)

Carlos: You were not yesterday. So if I may, I'm proud to say….HE'S GAAAAYY!

All, jumping: AND EUROPEAN!

Carlos: HE'S GAAAYY!

All, jumping: AND EUROPEAN!

Carlos: HE'S GGAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

All: And European and Gay!

Nikos: Fine, okay! I'M GAY!

(He jumps into Carlos's arms and the kiss each other on the lips)

All: HOORAAAYYYYY!

(Finish)

(Commercial break)

ONE WEEK LATER

(We return to see them all in the courtroom, waiting)

Runcorn: Despite the evidence presented by Umbridge, there is still much more evidence to prove that she murdered her husband!

(They gasp)

Umbridge: I DIDN'T KILL HIM! I COULD NEVER HURT A FLY!

(Smashes hand on table and yells loud)

Lupin: What was that for?

Umbridge, angrily: I killed a fly.

Hermione: Look, we are NOT giving up! We know that there is more evidence and we request another three days!

Arthur, smiling: GRANTED! BANG!

Juror: Oh, does jury duty NEVER end?

Umbridge as guards close in: FINE! BUT I'M RUNNING! AND….TAKING THESE TWO WITH ME! 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL GONNA GET WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! THE UMBRIDGE WAY!

(She grabs Harry and Ron and runs with them out of the courtroom)

Umbridge's voice: DER DER DER DO! DER AHH! DE ARRHH! DER DER! ARRHA!

(We see her run by the windows, dragging Harry and Ron behind her)

Umbridge's voice: DER DER DER DO! DER AHH! DE ARRHH! DER DER! ARRHA!

(Long pause)

Arthur, smiling: Well, that went well! See you all tomorrow! So silly! BANG!

(Abrupt black screen ending)

(Roll and credits)


	3. ep3: stupid school that isn't Hogwarts

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

SEASON 2, EPISODE 3

"The Stupid School that ISN'T Hogwarts"

(TV-14- DL)

Dumbledore's voice: Previously on "A very Potter Sitcom"-

(We see a few flash backs recapping the first two episodes of AVPS season 2)

Dumbledore: And now, part 3.

(Blackout)

(We see Umbridge and Harry walking through crowded London streets)

Umbridge: Why are all 'deese people staring at me?

Harry: Uh, it might have something to do with your outfit and the fact that you are dragging to teenagers behind you.

Ron: Oh, and that you kind of look like a guy.

(Umbridge glares)

Umbridge: Shut up you f**king little weasel in the barn! I am a strong wo- wait a minute, all of the Wizarding World knows me. Why would they not even care about me?

Ron: Because this isn't the Wizarding World. This is the Muggle World.

Harry: Yeah, these are all Muggles.

(Close up on Umbridge's face as her eyes widen in shock and she opens her mouth wide)

(Sudden, scary music plays in the background)

(We see a camera shot, bird's eye view, of the city)

Umbridge's loud voice: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Theme song)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Umbridge running through the streets, screaming wildly and alarming citizens every time she bumps into one)

(Harry and Ron charge behind her)

Harry: Umbridge, wait!

Ron: Why are you freaking out?

Umbridge: AAAHH!

(All three of them run into a small bathroom with nobody else in it)

Umbridge: I am so scared right now!

Harry: Why?

Umbridge: Um…uh….I….y…..Oh, I'M FREAKING SCARED OF MUGGLES, ALRIGHT? THEY TERRIFY ME! I WANNA GO HOME! Or at least back to prison.

Harry: There's nothing to be scared of. They're just Muggles.

Ron: Yeah, they're more afraid of you than you are of them.

(Harry looks at Ron)

Ron: What? Have you ever seen a Muggle react to you doing magic? They flip out!

Umbridge: I am horrified of Muggles, okay? I have nightmares every night about them burning me on a stake or melting me with water or calling me a wicked witch! (She begins to ball) Then I have some weird sexy dream and I get over it.

(The stall opens and a surprised looking, awkward Muggle walks out, looking strangely at the group)

(He walks out as Umbridge stares at him as if he were a monster)

Umbridge, whispering: They're like the devils!

(There is a very loud knock on the door)

Man's voice: This is the Police! Open up and let us in. We got a call about a strange cross dresser rampaging through the streets.

(Umbridge shrieks)

Umbridge, sobbing comically: Save me!

(She darts into a stall and slams it shut)

Officer's voice: I am coming in!

Ron: Oh, what are we gonna do?

Harry: I don't know!

(The officer walks in)

Officer: Alright, boys. Now you were seen with the weird cross dresser guy. And I heard his frantic voice in here. Now, where is he?

Harry and Ron: No idea.

Harry: Haven't seen him/her in a few hours.

Ron: Not a clue.

(We hear Umbridge whimpering very loudly behind the stall door)

(The officer slowly opens the door)

(We see Umbridge sitting on the toilet, starring at the Officer with a horrified expression on her face, whimpering with her mouth closed tightly)

(Umbridge continues to whimper comically)

(Officer looks at Harry and Ron)

Ron, nervously: *Quietly* Yay….we found her…..

(Commercial break)

ADVERTISMENT: GUESS WHAT? THE REASON I HAVEN'T BEEN UPLOADING THIS QUICK ENOUGH? IT'S BECAUSE I'M WORKING ON A SPECIAL WRITING PROJECT THAT WILL BE UPLOADED ON FANFICTION. I'LL TELL YOU ALL WHAT IT IS WHEN I HAVE FINISHED AND I CANNOT WAIT TO SHOW YOU ALL! YOU'LL LOVE IT. IT ALSO INVOLVES AVPM! :D

(We return to see two cops, including the one who arrested the group, standing next to each other in a police station with the camera focused on them)

(They are both glaring and preparing to question)

Officer 1: Why have you been chasing the cross dresser?

(Cut to shot of Harry)

Harry: Well, the weird part about all of this is…that's actually a girl we're talking about.

(Cut to shot of Ron)

Ron: Hey, is Showgirls something Muggles show everywhere?

(Cut back to officers)

Officer 1: Why were you running through the streets of London, yelling strangely and harassing civilians?

(Cut to shot of Umbridge)

Umbridge, whimpering comically: Mmmm…..mmmmm…..MMMM!

(Cut to new scene)

(We see the lawyer group talking in the court room)

Lupin: Okay, we need a better defense. Let's start from the top. Umbridge says she went to get her…procedure…and then walked in to find her husband dead.

Jacob: However, the step-daughter says she went to take a shower and then came downstairs to find Umbridge making a strange der der noise, which we know to be her laugh, as she stood with a Muggle firearm over the dead body of the victim.

Hermione: But, wait, what was the daughter doing before she arrived home? And did she see anything else? Hear anything?

Lupin: Let's ask.

Arthur: Alright, time to continue! Bang!

Lupin, whispering: Who wants to take the floor?

Malfoy, smiling sinisterly: Leave that to me.

(Cut to Umbridge sitting in a jail cell with Ron and Harry)

(Ron and Harry are glaring at her and she is wide eyed and horrified, still whimpering)

Harry: This is your fault you know.

Umbridge: So scared…Umbridge scared….mmmmm…

Ron, annoyed: Son….of….a…

Ron and Harry: Bitch!

(Cut to shot of court room)

Lupin: We call Margery Sannage to the stand.

(An ugly looking woman played by actress of Crabbe in heavy make up with a large, fake afro perm walks in)

Lupin: Please take the stand.

(She sits)

(A man with a bible walks up to her)

Man: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth on the holy bible?

Margery: I'm an atheist.

(Pause)

Man: Fine….please tell the truth….bitch.

Margery: Yeah, yeah.

Man: Lupin, you may now proceed.

Lupin: Very well. Now, Malfoy. Go ahead.

(Malfoy strikes a pose and then walks over to the stand with his hands on his hips)

Malfoy: Now….Ms. Sannage….is it true that you were taking a shower…naked at the time of the murder?

(She looks at him)

Margery, sarcastically: No, I was fully clothed…dumbass.

Jacob: You know, comedy central is actually bleeping that word out now.

Malfoy: Now….

(He slides to the floor and everyone leans over to see him)

(Malfoy slowly rolls around the floor)

Malfoy, on floor: Where were you before you arrived at home to take you naked shower?

Margery: Again, everyone takes showers naked. And, I was out, like, getting a perm.

(Malfoy jumps up)

Malfoy, dramatically while pointing: AHA! A perm! Yes, that….proves absolutely nothing. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

Hermione, standing: Wait, Malfoy. Excuse me, you said that you were taking a shower when you returned home?

Malfoy: Naked?

Margery, annoyed: Why does everyone want to hear about my shower?

Hermione: Nothing further.

Lupin: Nothing further?

Hermione: Nothing further!

Malfoy: Nothing further, your honor.

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Harry and the others still standing in a cell)

Ron: Are you sure this is going to work?

Harry: Not at all.

Umbridge: We got no choice.

Ron: Alright. Let's go.

(They lock arms)

Harry: Disparate!

(There is a very large flash of light and we see a weird image of the three suspended in limbo)

Harry and Ron: This is totally….awesome (echoing)

Umbridge, slow motion echoing: A der….der….der…..der…

(There is another flash of light and they appear in a Muggle math classroom in a small school)

Umbridge: Oh, what da hell? Another Muggle place?

Harry: It's alright. We just need to make sure we aren't caught by anybody-

(The door opens and three middle school students walk in)

(The characters that are about to be presented in this episode are characters from a popular show I wrote on a private website for kids who went to my different schools. The episodes will soon be uploaded on fictionpress and this takes place after the show has been around for about four years)

(Audience cheers at the appearance of the characters from "Stupid School")

(There is a fairly tall, pretty popular girl with long, curly blonde hair and a shocked expression, Hailey)

(There is a tall boy with tan skin and long, dirty blonde hair, Gram)

(There is a short boy with a Jew fro haircut and a shocked face as well, Zacks)

(They stare at Harry, Ron, and Umbridge)

Zacks: Why is there a cross dresser and two teenagers standing in our math classroom?

Hailey: This is actually considered weird for our school.

Umbridge, looking terrified: AAAHHHHH!

(She runs out of the classroom and darts up the small, dark hallway in the tiny school, blabbering loudly)

(Cut to shot of the principal, a short woman with dark hair and a pink suit on standing next to a tall superintendent)

Superintendent: Well, I am duly impressed. For the first time in, I think ever, this school is perfectly in order for this year. You are definitely doing your best to enforce rules on your students. Nothing weird or bizarre is happening today.

Principal: Well, thank you.

Superintendent: You're welcome. I'd say that there is nothing at all disruptive or strange going on today. *Looks past the Principal's shoulder*

(Pause)

Superintendent: Except maybe the cross dresser running down your hallway.

(Principal turns in shock)

(Umbridge streaks past them)

Umbridge: DAAAHHHH!

(They keep staring her way as she runs out of the hallway)

Principal: You jinxed us, sir.

(We cut back to the classroom)

Hailey: Do you know who would be really excited to see this? Jacob Fleming.

Ron: Who?

Gram: A guy who used to go here. He was one of the funniest people I knew.

Zacks: He left. Now he's at another school. Haven't seen him since.

Harry: I know how you feel. We've lost people too. But, we are telling the truth about wizards and stuff.

Gram: Well, then we need to find that Dumbridge-

Harry and Ron: Umbridge.

Gram: _Umbridge. _We need to find that Umbridge woman. This school is very, very tiny. It used to be a day care center. Right now, we're just in the trailers. She could already be running around town now.

Ron: Well, then we need to go.

Hailey: Come on. We'll check the field. Nobody should bother us. We're such a small school, we know everybody who goes here. There's only about 200 of us in all.

Harry: Let's go.

(They get up and dart out the door)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see the group of kids running through a field in front of a tiny little school, with some other comical students looking at them as they run)

Harry: I don't see her!

Zacks: She might have run in there!

(He points at a large, concrete barn house with a crappy metal roof)

(Mysterious music plays)

Gram: Come on, we'll let's go.

Ron: Is it dangerous?

Hailey: Drunks, gangs, and junkies all hang out there and the roof always has a danger of falling in but other than that, it's fine. Come on!

(They dart inside after running across the field)

(Once inside, they see that it is completely empty and vacant, no steps or stables at all)

Ron: Umbridge?

Harry: Where are you?

Zacks: She isn't in here.

Ron: Are you sure?

(They don't see her staring down on them, clinging to the roof slightly above the wall behind them)

Harry: I'll have to stun her. It won't kill her but she'll be knocked out.

Umbridge: NEVER POTTER!

(They all turn to see her and Harry raises his wand)

Hailey: Harry, NO!

Harry: Stupify!

(A red stream of light flies out of his wand and heads for Umbridge who magically vanishes into nothing)

(The spell hits the ceiling and it begins to break)

(They all stand there, stunned)

Zacks, Hailey, and Gram: Oh, s**t.

(The ceiling begins to fall in and they all very quickly run out)

(Cut to shot of them darting out just as the ceiling completely falls in and a large cloud of smoke rises into the air)

(Cut to shot of Mr. S, a teacher whom everyone likes, staring at the wreckage from his car)

(Scene change to the group sitting back in the same room)

Harry: Thank you for trying to help.

Zacks: Don't mention it. Now, I need to work on my mac computer.

(He looks at desk and it isn't there)

Zacks, girly and terrified: Oh my God! Where's my mac?

(They turn to see Umbridge outside beating the principal over the head with the laptop until it breaks)

Umbridge: Scary MUGGLE!

(We see student looking at the scene, trying not to laugh)

Umbridge: Potter, Weasley! I'm done runnin'! We are out of here!

(She drops the smashed computer and Zacks over dramatically falls to his knees, screaming "NO!")

Umbridge: Let's go!

(She grabs the two and they vanish in a flash of light)

(All students shield their eyes)

Students: Ah! Magic!

(Cut to scene of Hermione walking around Margery in courtroom)

Hermione: Now, you say you were in the shower after getting that perm?

Margery: Yes.

Jacob: And that was why you heard nothing?

Margery: Yes.

Malfoy: And you were naked?

Margery, annoyed: Yes.

Cho: And are YOU aware that after getting that type of perm, a shower will completely ruin it? It wouldn't look anything like it does now!

(Courtroom mutters to each other)

Margery, shocked: What? What the hell are you saying?

Lupin: That you were never taking a shower. So you must have heard something.

Hermione: Or you must have been doing something.

Arthur: Oh, they got her!

(Umbridge bursts through the doors)

Umbridge: Exactly! She always hated me! Dat little bitch bought a *scared* Muggle *normal* gun and fired at the first person to enter the door. She thought it was me! But it was my husband!

(A crying Margery stands angrily)

Margery: Yes I did you man lady! I hate you! Why did it have to be him coming in? I didn't mean to kill my father! I thought the person coming in the door was Dolores Umbridge!

Everyone on Lupin's team: The case is closed!

(They cheer as audience claps and Umbridge yells happily)

(She pulls a few of the students into headlocks, her version of hugs)

Umbridge: Oh, I love you all! I thank you and I am sorry for what momma has done!

(The happy music that played after Voldemort was killed plays)

(Margery is handcuffed and taken away)

Umbridge: And maybe I'll even come back to visit!

Everyone: Uhh….

(Umbridge laughs happily)

Umbridge: I am so happy! Thank you all of you!

Everyone: You're welcome!

(They all continue to celebrate as the scene changes to a dark room)

(We see a large pool of green liquid and a nude figure stepping out)

(We hear Voldemort's demonic laugh just like when he first came out of the cauldron)

(Someone in Death Eater robes drapes a robe around him and he walks out from the darkness)

(His face is revealed and we see that he now looks like a healthy young man, still played by Joe Walker, with no makeup whatsoever)

Voldemort, singing: And now he's back…

TO BE CONTINUED

Author's note: Well, I didn't really get to introduce the "Stupid School" characters very well. There are a lot more of them and they are very funny. The show I wrote happens to be even better than AVPS, it's less corny, and I wrote them a while back and am still writing it. They will be given their own show called "Stupid School" that will be uploaded on fictionpress website. The show is full of brilliant jokes and catch phrases that were inspired by my old middle school that I loved so much. It will be uploaded soon. All five seasons. Please review this and look out for "Stupid School" coming soon.

HALLOWEEN EPISODE WILL BE UPLOADED EITHER THIS THURSDAY OR THIS WEEKEND!


	4. Important Announcment

SPECIAL ANNOUNCMENT

To all fan fiction readers who enjoy "A Very Potter Sitcom" I am very sorry to inform you that there will not be a Halloween episode this year. However, the reason for this is that instead I am writing a script for a short Halloween musical in Starkid style with the Starkids scripted as the actors. Just imagine it as another Starkid show! It will be uploaded as chapter 5 of "AVPS" and will be uploaded on Monday October 31st, Halloween night. I will try and make it as good as possible and I hope that you all enjoy it and forgive the absence of Harry Potter parody characters. Still, anything related to Starkid has to be good, right?

So, I hope you all enjoy it when it comes and please, PLEASE REVIEW!

I accept all reviews! Please, it makes me write episodes faster!

This is JacobKragoff saying good night and TTYL.


	5. THE HALLOWEEN MASH

The Halloween Mash

Halloween TV special "Starkid"

Written by username JacobKragoff for Fanfiction

(We begin with a camera shot from bird's eye view of a dark, scary looking ghost town)

(Setting looks as if it was made for stage or TV)

(Bouncy, slightly jazzy Halloween song called "Nothing but your monsters" begins)

(Camera glides down and goes inside a large, scary building with a dark and gloomy interior)

(Camera sets in a dark dungeon chamber with coffins, torture devices, Frankenstein machinery, etc.)

(Music slows)

Older teenager's voice, singing: Strange is what's IN in this town. A reaper, a ghost, that Stephen King clown. A goblin, a ghoul, they're all considered cool. (Beat) In this Halloween town! A witch, a hag, they're not considered a drag. A creaking door. A mirror of horror! A strange apparition is better constitution. A dragon, a werewolf, a vampire, be careful! They lurk this place! When you come here, you better make haste. It ain't no summer camp! You may even find, and be mindful that he won't be too kind, a little, misunderstood Halloween...

(The coffin swings open and we see Devon Bostick from "A very Potter Sitcom" standing inside with his arms across his chest)

Vlad: Vamp!

(He has long black hair, pale Vampire skin, and fangs)

(Music picks up as he steps out of coffin)

Vlad: Everyone! Time to wake up!

Older man's voice: Time to what, my boy?

(Vlad rolls his eyes)

Vlad, dramatically and loudly: MONSTERS! AWAKEN!

(All doors open and several monsters step out)

(We see a tall, raged looking zombie who looks like the zombie from Hocus Pocus standing with his arms stretched out, played by Jim Povolo)

(There is a hairy wolf man played by Nicholas Joseph Strauss-Matathia wearing rags)

(We also see a green skinned witch played by Bonnie Gruesen wearing makeup and a long, black dress with a pointed witch's hat)

(There also is a small goblin with grey, moldy skin wearing a dark suit, played by Nick Lang in heavy makeup)

Winnie the Witch: Oi! Vladimir? (She cackles) Do you wants to try a little potion?

Vlad, nervously: Um, maybe later.

Winnie the Witch: Oh, okay. Whatever.

(Music picks up)

Wolf man: Oh, we roam around your town! I'm as keen as a hound! We're nothing but your monsters!

All: Nothing but your monsters!

Gary Scary Goblin: Oh, we creep and we crawl! It's that time of the fall! We're nothing but your monsters!

Winnie the Witch: And we'll never be shy! Meet us soon AND YOU'LL DIE! (Lightning and thunder) We're nothing but your monsters!

All again: Nothing but your monsters.

All, singing chorus: We're the things that you dread. (Beat) You all want us dead. But we all already tried that.

Winnie the Witch: Didn't like it, and came back!

All: We're nothing but your monsters!

(They dance in similarity to "Thriller" and Lady Gaga's "Monster")

(Suddenly they stop, music slows, and a spot light focuses on Vlad)

Vlad: I'm just a misunderstood monster. A sad little loner. I don't want it to be like this much longer...

(Music picks up again)

Vlad, powerfully: And it'll be grand, my dear! 'Cause I'm breaking out this YEAR! Even if (beat) I'm (beat) just... YOURRRRR!

(Pause)

Vlad, long finishing note: MOONNSSSTEERRRRRR!

(Final beats and song ends)

(Cut to camera shot of all the monsters we just saw sitting in a dark chamber, eating a strange lunch)

(Winnie the Witch walks in with a tray magically following her)

Winnie the Witch: I've got lunch ready! (Cackles and coughs) Mh... *tries not to cough again* (Pause) Kay. Ready!

(Waves her hand and dishes begin to seat themselves in front of the monsters)

(Camera sets on Wolf man)

Winnie the Witch's voice: For Wolfie, liver.

(He licks his lips)

Winnie the Witch: Random human liver.

(He begins to eat as camera moves over to Gary Scary Goblin)

Winnie the Witch: For dear Gary, we have a roasted doggie treats, made from fresh dogs, and a side order of pig's feet.

(He smiles as camera moves over to Vlad)

Winnie the Witch: For Vlad, a nice delicacy, a favorite among vampires, a soup bowl of fresh neck blood.

(He nods, looking bored as the camera moves over to Zack the Zombie)

Winnie the Witch: And for Zack... dust and dirt.

(Zack grins and nods, making loud grunting noises)

(We see Winnie preparing to sit down)

Vlad: What are you gonna eat, Winnie?

Winnie the Witch: Oh, I'm not hungry. A nice little pair of children, Hansel and Gretel, were helping me make all this and it was very tiring.

Vlad: Oh, so you're not hungry because you're tired?

Winnie the Witch, casually: Oh, no dear. I ate Hansel and Gretel.

(They all continue to dine)

Gary Scary Goblin: Now, when exactly is the Professor supposed to return?

Wolf Man: Sometime tonight. I believe he's looking around the graveyards for supplies or something. He's working very carefully on a new project of some sort.

Winnie the Witch: Oh, well how pleasant. After all, he brought us all back to life. It will be very nice to have a new friend, don't you think?

(They make noises of agreement and continue to eat)

(Vlad sits there and stares off into space)

Winnie the Witch, concerned: Vladimir, my dear. Are you feeling alright? You haven't touched your food.

Vlad: I'm not really that hungry.

Winnie the Witch: Oh, did you drink from two innocent children too?

Vlad: No.

Winnie the Witch: Then whatever's the matter?

(Vlad sighs as the other monsters look at him)

Vlad: I'm just... well... do you ever get the feeling that we're living a boring, repetitive life?

(The others shake their heads)

Vlad: Well, you see, the thing is...

(He sighs again and then stands as cheerful, jazzy dance music of "A new afterlife" begins)

Vlad, singing: I've never thought that I would feel so down. My whole damn life is going around and around. Every day, it's all...just the same. (Beat) Every time I walk outside, it's on Halloween and I cannot hide, how terrible I am. Like some twisted, evil game. I wanna get there. I wanna show the world what I can do! I wanna be a human again! This is an old feeling inside me that grew!

(Jumps onto table with style)

Vlad: There's nothing so impressive about this life. It doesn't get attention, it doesn't get any hype. I need a new outlit, just shout it! I WANNA GO!

(Jumps off the table as the song speeds up and several animated ghosts work as back up dancers)

Vlad, singing: I need-

Ghosts: I NEED!

Vlad: A new-

Ghosts: A NEW!

Vlad and Ghosts: LIIFFEE!

Vlad: I need a new extra special afterlife! A new way to live it, I know God forbids it, but I couldn't care less! It will be the best! It may not be in, but, God, it's for me! You all might be like my kin! But this is what I want, oh yes INDEED!

Ghosts: Oh, yes indeed!

Vlad: Oh, yes Indeed!

Ghosts: OH, YES INDEED!

Vlad: Gotta go! I'm sick of the sorry, the scary, the woe! Sticking around here, every single damn year, is really-

Ghosts: Really!

Vlad: Really!

Ghosts: Really!

Vlad and Ghosts: Really starting to blow!

(Lights of different colors flash)

(The ghosts and Vlad all dance impressively)

Vlad: I wanna be-

Ghosts: He wants to be!

Vlad: The best thing that is totally the best thing for me! Not you!

Ghosts: Not you!

Vlad: Not us!

Ghosts: Not us!

Vlad: Not anyone but me is hoppin' on the bus! I'm totally ready to go! I'm sick of the scary, the sorry, and all the woe! I'm done with it all! It's time to take a leap of faith and toss away the ball! This is the best decision I'll ever make!

Monsters: No way!

Vlad, shocked: No way?

Monsters: Not at all!

Vlad: Not at all?

Monsters, standing and running around him: Your life is here, so pick up that damn little ball! It is time for you to get some sense! Don't be dense! Don't be reckless or restless at all! You're staying right here!

(Vlad is forced into a chair)

Vlad: Right here?

Monsters: Right there?

Vlad: Right where?

Monsters: Right in this big old place! Where weird is in and normal is out! What are you gonna do? Be on Broadway?

Vlad: Maybe.

Monsters: Be a boy scout?

Vlad: Okay, I'm not THAT young.

Monsters: You're staying here with us, your kin! With the other monsters, only then will you win! Don't be a fool! Don't be an ass! You're not that cool if you gotta ask! You're staying right here!

Vlad: Right here?

Monsters: Right there!

Vlad, almost crying: Right Where?

Monsters: WHERE WE ARE!

(Quick end)

Winnie the Witch after pause: So, what does all this have to do with you not wanting to drink the blood?

(Commercial break)

ENJOYING THE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL? DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!

(We return to see Vlad sitting at the same room the film began in, looking miserable)

(A man, played by Brian Holden, with a brown hat, a red and green stripped sweater, and a mop walks in)

(He walks over to Vlad)

Freddy the Janitor: Hey, what's wrong, Vlad?

Vlad: Oh, hey Fred. I'm just down because all the other monsters think I should stay here and keep doing the same old thing. You know, going out and scaring kids on Halloween night, drinking blood. You know, that type of thing.

Freddy: Well, you are immortal which means you'll never age so I'd say you've got plenty of time.

Vlad: You don't get it. I can't eat-

Freddy: You mean drink blood?

Vlad: I can't sleep-

Freddy: You mean stand awkwardly in that propped up coffin?

Vlad: And I'm not even sure I'm in the mood to scare even one kid this Halloween.

Freddy: Well, when is Halloween?

Vlad: Tomorrow.

(Freddy smiles)

Freddy: Perfect.

(He sits down next to Vlad and a spotlight appears on them both)

(Music starts, slow and mysterious)

(The song called "Your life is yours" plays)

Freddy, singing: You might think that these monsters have control over you. Why... even the Professor can't make you his own little evil You-Know-Who.

Vlad: Voldemort?

Freddy: Exactly. You see, Vlad my boy. There's more to the afterlife than the absence of joy. The only one in control of it all is you. So, Vladimir, here's (beat) what (beat) you do:

(Beat)

(Music picks up slightly)

Freddy: On Halloween night, when you creep to give fright. There's a little way to get away from here. If you want your own year, it's so simple, like don't drink beer! All you have to do... is... sneak away!

Freddy standing: As you move away from your group, then it's time to shoot that damn ball into the hoop! You simply flit away! They won't know which way! You don't even have to kill any kids! It's something that God will not forbid! You may even go to Heaven now! And it's just so simple on how!

(Music picks up)

Freddy: Oh, Vlad. Your life is your own damn thing! And that is why I'm here to sing! Your life is your own, Vladimir! So get ready to have your own personal year! It'll be the best choice you ever made! (Beat) You no longer have to be a stranger in the shade!

(Music continues to play as we cut to an old, 30's style car pulls up to the dark building as the clouds remain black)

(Close up shot of the door opening and a large, black boot with a white leg of a pair of pants tucked into it stepping out of the car)

(Again we see Freddy and Vlad)

Freddy: So, again I say... life is grand! So be a man! Because your life is your own! I love it all! The dancing, the music, a mascaraed ball! And it all can be for you!

(We see to legs of the same man walking up dark stairs)

(Cut to Freddy)

Freddy: It's so simple what you have to do!

(Mix shots of Freddy singing and the strange man walking)

Freddy, finishing: No longer (Beat) do you have to be alone! (Beat) This is all that will be shown! (Beat*2) If you do it, because, Vlad! (Beat*2) Your life (Beat) Is (Beat) YOUR... OWWWNNNNN!

(As Freddy sings finishing note, we see the back of the strange man as he opens a door and walks inside a chamber)

(Song ends as we cut back to Freddy with his arms in the air)

Freddy: Ha! That was awesome!

(A joyful Vlad stands and hugs Freddy)

Vlad: Aw thanks, Freddy. You're the best!

(They break apart)

Vlad: Come with me.

(Pause and before Freddy can answer, the door is swung open and Winnie the Witch charges in)

Winnie the Witch: The Professor's back!

(Cut to shot of all the monsters standing in a huge lab, all staring at a large metal door up the stairs)

(Set is similar in this part to the lab in the movie "Young Frankenstein")

(Dark, frightening, apprehensive music begins for the song "It's Alive!")

(The door swings open and thunder claps as lightning lights up the room)

(Enters the frightening mad scientist, Professor Mostro, played by Joe Moses)

(He has a dark, scary glare with wide eyes, a never ending frown, a long white lab coat over a black vest and white pants, and large grey hair that sticks up as if he were just electrocuted)

Professor Mostro: Saluti, il mio tirapiedi. Io, il professor Mostro, è tornata! In English: Greeting, my minions. I, Professor Mostro, have returned!

(Song becomes darker and more terrifying)

Professor Mostro, singing darkly: You're all my creations! All my kin! Tutti i miei parenti. I am the master! The alpha here! Do not disappoint me if you wish to see next year!

(He slowly begins to walk down the stairs)

Professor Mostro: I am the one who brought you back! You all were dead before I took a crack! Now your old bodies are walking again! In different forms, you roam as a devil's friend!

(He walks over to large table in the middle of the room)

(The other monsters back away)

Professor Mostro: Now here today, history will receive a pay! An amazing thing will happen now. Why isn't the question. Oh, no it's not. The real question you must ask is how.

(He looks up at the door)

Professor Mostro, spoken: IGOR! Bring in the parts! I require my supplies!

(A hunched, small man with one large eye and one small eye, played by Corey Dorris)

(He carries a large, black bag down the stairs with him)

Igor: Yes, master! I have brought the supplies down for you! All of the necessary parts to create your new monster!

(He slams the bag on the metal table)

Professor Mostro: Excellent! Now, move Igor! For we shall now create... LIFE!

(Thunder and lightning cues)

(Igor steps over to a large machine with different power levers)

Professor Mostro, stepping onto the platform: Hide this amazement for now, Igor!

Igor: As you wish, master!

(He pulls a lever and a curtain drapes itself over the Professor as he works, hiding him from view)

Vlad, worried: What's he doing?

Freddy: I'm not sure!

Winnie the Witch: It is his new project! A new Monster who bests us all!

Gary Scary Goblin: His masterpiece.

Wolf Man: His pride and joy!

Professor Mostro's voice: MY TRUE MONSTER! SOON TO BE READY TO KILL ON HALLOWEEN!

Vlad, shocked: Kill?

(Igor pulls another lever down and we see the curtain hiding the table and platform as they rise up through a hole in the ceiling that just opened)

Professor Mostro's voice: MORE... POOOWWWEEERRR!

(Igor finally pulls the largest switch and electricity flickers all over the room, causing everyone to fall onto the floor)

(We hear Professor Mostro laugh loudly and wildly like a mad man as the platform lowers)

(We also hear a deep voiced groan)

Zack the Zombie: HMRRR?

(Professor Mostro walks out from behind the large curtain and all the electricity stops)

(His face looks even wilder)

(He looks over at Igor)

Professor Mostro: Igor! Lift... the curtain!

(Igor begins to rotate a wheel and the curtain slower rises for dramatic effect as Mostro sings more)

Professor Mostro, singing triumphantly: This shows that I have the power of the Holy Lord! Mad scientist points have just been scored! I am the man who needs no mere wife! Because I (Beat) Have given (Beat) *Screaming* LIFE! AHAHAH!

(He continues to cackle wildly as the curtain rises all the way and a tall woman sits up with long, silver hair and pale skin covered by an elegant, black dress, played by Devin Lytle, actress of Cho from AVPS)

Professor Mostro, awed: *Long note* IT'S ALIVE!

(Song ends)

(Commercial break)

DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!

(We return to see the same room after the song has ended)

Professor Mostro, amazed: I...have given...life.

Vlad: So? This is only the sixth or seventh time you've done that.

(Others tense)

(Professor Mostro stands)

Professor Mostro: Oh, but Vladimir. You do not understand, my boy. This woman is made of six different dead body parts, all taken from those lying in the cemetery I always shop at. You see, she is not just a re-animated figure; she is six diseased women, all now serving a higher purpose. She is my masterpiece. She must have name.

Winnie the Witch: Something catchy, like our names?

Professor Mostro: NO! Something that actually means something! She is the greatest presence we have ever had in this place. She shall be called...Lady Gaga!

(Thunder and lightning cue)

(Gaga nods and suddenly begins to move like a dancer as Lady Gaga's song "Monster" plays)

Professor Mostro: Yes! YES! She is a genius! We must encourage! Dance everyone! Lei è un genio! DANZA! DANCE!

(Song picks up)

Gaga, singing: He ate my heart

He a-a-ate my heart

(You little monster)

He ate my heart

He a-a-ate my heart out

(You amaze me)

Look at him

Look at me

That boy is bad

And honestly

He's a wolf in disguise

(Wolf Man looks up)

But I can't stop staring in those evil eyes

(Wolf Man cocks his head like a confused dog)

I asked my girlfriend if she'd seen you round before

She mumbled something while we got down on the floor baby

We might've f*cked not really sure, don't quite recall

But something tells me that I've seen him, yeah

That boy is a monster

M-M-M-Monster

That boy is a monster

M-M-M-Monster

That boy is a monster

Er-er-er-er

He ate my heart

(I love that girl)

He ate my heart

(Wanna talk to her, she's hot as hell)

He licked his lips

Said to me

Girl you look good enough to eat

Put his arms around me

Said "Boy now get your paws right off me"

I asked my girlfriend if she'd seen you round before

She mumbled something while we got down on the floor baby

We might've f*cked not really sure, don't quite recall

But something tells me that I've seen him, yeah

That boy is a monster

M-M-M-Monster

That boy is a monster

M-M-M-Monster

That boy is a monster

Er-er-er-er

He ate my heart

(I love that girl)

He ate my heart

(Wanna talk to her, she's hot as hell)

He ate my heart

He ate my heart

Instead he's a monster in my bed

I wanna Just Dance

But he took me home instead

Uh oh! There was a monster in my bed

We French kissed on a subway train

He tore my clothes right off

He ate my heart then he ate my brain

Uh oh uh oh

(I love that girl)

(Wanna talk to her, she's hot as hell)

That boy is a monster

M-m-m-monster

(Could I love him?)

That boy is a monster

M-m-m-monster

(Could I love him?)

That boy is a monster

M-m-m-monster

(Could I love him?)

That boy is a monster

Er-er-er-er

(Song ends)

(Commercial break)

REVIEW!

(We return to see them all standing around staring at Gaga)

Professor Mostro: Such a work of art. I am astonishing. She is even more astonishing!

Winnie the Witch, muttering: I'm glad he threw _that _part in.

Professor Mostro: And tomorrow night, on All Hallows Eve, she shall dance through the streets, controlling the minds of the youth, making them loyal. And we will kill those who will not serve!

Vlad: NO!

(They all turn to stare at him)

Professor Mostro, after pause: Yes.

Vlad: Then you'll have to destroy me too!

Professor Mostro: What?

(Vlad grabs a red hot poker out of a nearby fireplace and wields it like a sword)

Vlad: You'll have to get through me to get to the humans.

Freddy: Same here! *He hides something behind his back*

Professor Mostro: Fine! This will be quite easy. Especially with Freddy over there! You don't even have a weapon!

Freddy, smiling: Oh, don't I?

(He reveals his right hand quickly, revealing a brown glove with metal on the top, blades attached to the fingers except for the thumb)

Freddy: Oh, yeah! You're mine now.

Gaga: I beg to differ.

(She leaps through the air and grabs a machete from the table)

Freddy: Oh, great. It's Freddy versus Jason all over again!

(She swipes at him as he ducks the thrusts and returns her attacks, often blocking her blade)

(Vlad vanishes and appears above them, standing next to the main power generator)

Professor Mostro: NO! YOU FOOL! What are you doing?

Vlad, in Italian: Qualcosa che avrebbe dovuto fare molto tempo fa!

(He stabs the middle and weakest part of the generator and electivity bursts all over the room, exploding other machines and causing a large fire)

(Vlad is blown off of the ledge, sending him falling straight onto the metal table)

(The other monsters all shriek at the sight of the fire, even Igor, and run out the door)

(Vlad tries to get up but has trouble because of the pain)

(Suddenly, the platform begins to rise into the air, caused by the Professor pulling one of the last working levers)

Professor Mostro, jumping on as well: Now I will punish you, Vladimir!

(As the platform continues to rise, now out of the room above the roof, Vlad wrestles with the Professor, trying to throw him off)

(Cut to Freddy still battling Gaga)

(She jumps on top of him and drives the machete through his chest)

Freddy: ARGH!

(They begin to inch toward the raging flames)

Gaga, realizing she is in danger: Professor! HELP ME!

Freddy, voice becoming darker: Help yourself, f*cker.

(He pulls her into the flames and they both catch fire, screaming in agony)

(Close up of Freddy's face melting slightly and turning into the face of Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on elm Street)

(Both of them collapse on the floor, dead)

(The machine sparks and explodes and the platform begins to fall at a very fast rate)

Vlad: See you, Doc.

(He leaps off and laughs as black bat wings appear out of his back)

Professor Mostro: NOOO!

(The platform slams on the floor of the lab and explodes)

(Large flames engulf the laboratory as Vlad flies away)

Vlad: Perfect ending.

(We see him flying off into the distance into what looks like a normal, human town, the sun rising behind it)

The End

Well, we hope you enjoyed this Halloween special. New episode of "A very Potter Sitcom" coming soon. Goodnight, ttyl, and happy Halloween.

Cast

(In order of appearance)

Vlad the Vamp: Devin Bostick

Winnie the Witch: Bonnie Gruesen

Zack the Zombie: Jim Povolo

Wolf Man the Werewolf: Nicholas Joseph Strauss-Matathia

Gary Scary Goblin: Nick Lang

Freddy: Brian Holden

Professor Mostro: Joe Moses

Lady Gaga: Devin Lytle

Songs:

"Nothing but your Monster" by JacobKragoff

"A New Afterlife" by JacobKragoff

"Your Life is Yours" by JacobKragoff

"IT'S ALIVE!" by JacobKragoff

"Monster" by Lady Gaga (the real one)

Note: No offense was intended toward Lady Gaga at all.

REVIEW!

;)


	6. Episode 4:A very Snivellous Relationship

A VERY POTTER SITCOM

SEASON TWO, EPISODE 4

"A VERY SNIVELLOUS RELATIONSHIP"

(TV-14-DL)

_Note: My left mouse button is barely working so that's why I haven't been pumping out enough episodes. Turns out it's very hard to click on something on a computer without a left mouse key. Who knew, right?_

(We see Harry, Ron, Hermione, Jacob, Cho, Lavender, Pavarti, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Dean, Seamus, and Ginny all sitting around the Gryffindor common room, looking bored)

(Pause)

Ron: I'm bored.

Hermione: Well, we could play a game.

(Everyone groans)

Hermione: No, no! I think it'll be fun! How about "I spy"?

Harry: Let's not.

Jacob: Fine. I spy with my little eye something that talks at the speed of light, memorizes all the textbooks, has very bushy hair, and sleeps with Ron Weasley.

Malfoy: Weasley, have you been sleeping with a nightroll?

Hermione: Oh, please, Malfoy. We all know you've had a crush on me since freshman year.

Malfoy, while rolling on the floor a bit: Oh, I've long since outgrown that, Granger. You know full well I'm dating the actual hottest girl in school…besides Cho Chang.

Cho: You mean the blondie that always talks about nostril bugs or whatever?

Malfoy: You're thinking of wrack spurts, Chang. And there is plenty of evidence they exist!

Ron: You don't believe in them, do you?

Malfoy, sighing: Weasley, I am a diaper wearing, high pitched speaking, under-grown fourteen year old who believes in a magic Wizard school on Mars that is run by a talking lion that used to live in Narnia….of course I don't believe her!

(Audience laughs)

Malfoy: No, I'm just going along with it all for sex.

Harry: You and Luna have had _sex?_

Malfoy, embarrassed: No, but I feel it coming.

Jacob, laughing to himself: Ha, he used the word "coming" in a sentence about sex.

(Everyone else laughs too)

Malfoy: Oh, ha, ha. This coming from the bed wetter who doesn't wet the bed with urine.

(The others laugh at the comeback)

Jacob: Okay, I'm sorry, man. Just…stop talking. Okay?

(Chad comes in with Luna)

Chad: Hey, guys. Look what the cat dragged in.

Luna: Yes, that was what the healer said when I was born.

Malfoy, strolling over: Oh, hi there, honey. How was your day?

Luna: Oh, it was fantastic. Hagrid is such a wonderful teacher, isn't he?

(Others don't answer)

Harry, uneasily: Yeah…the best.

Luna: Oh and I saw Professor Snape at lunch while I was visiting Hogsmeade today. He was having lunch with a very pretty woman today with black hair.

(Everyone makes shocked noises such as double taking, coughing, crying out "what?" etc.)

(Pause)

Malfoy: You went to Hogsmeade without me?

(Theme song and commercial break)

(We return to see Dumbledore in his office talking with Snape)

Dumbledore: So, hey, uh, thanks for helping me with these Quidditch plans. First game of the year next week!

Snape: Ah, and who shall be playing each other?

Dumbledore: Gryffindor against Slytherin…as usual.

(There is a knock on the door)

Dumbledore: Ah, that might be Lupin with his Gryffindor player lineup. Severus, can you get the door for me?

Snape: Really? You think I should get the door for Lupin?

(Dumbledore shrugs)

Snape: My worst enemy? (Dumbledore shrugs and shakes his head) You don't see the conflict there? (Dumbledore shrugs again) Fine, I'll get it!

(He walks over to the door and opens it to see Umbridge standing outside)

Snape: AH! CROSS DRESSER!

(Snape cowers for a moment before Umbridge clears her throat)

Snape, straightening up: Oh, I apologize, Umbridge.

(Pause)

Snape: Well, this is extremely awkward. I'll just be leaving now.

Dumbledore, quietly: No, don't leave me alone with-

(Snape shuts door behind him)

Dumbledore:-her.

Umbridge, seriously: Now, Albus. I know dat we have had some…issues.

Dumbledore: Like you breaking my elder wand.

Umbridge: And that you may feel resentful for some of do's dings.

Dumbledore: Like you attacking me and taking over my school?

Umbridge: But…we're both adults and we can handle dis like de adults do.

Dumbledore, muttering: *Scared* Mommy…

Umbridge: I would like to actually apply…for a job.

Dumbledore: A job?

Umbridge: Yeah.

Dumbledore, hesitantly: Well, I'm sorry, Dolores. We're fresh out of those. But, maybe I can make you feel better by bribing you to go away with this?

(He holds up a blue ray copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows- Part 2")

Umbridge: No, danks. I already bought one.

Dumbledore: Oh, thank god! This is my blue ray edition. I didn't wanna give it away; it was almost like seeing it in theaters again. So, what do you want to do here, anyway?

Umbridge: Oh, anything. People are actually a bit nervous about the prospect of giving me a job.

Dumbledore: Oh, really? Can't imagine why.

Umbridge: Yeah, me neither. Well…I really could use dis favor. It would mean so much. And…I owe a lot to dis school. And don't worry. I have absolutely no plans for domination…as of now.

Dumbledore: You're not homicidal this year?

Umbridge: No.

Dumbledore: And you understand that I'm gay and so I can't date you?

Umbridge: Of course.

(Pause)

Dumbledore, cheerfully: I'll think about it and maybe you can start after winter break or something.

(Umbridge nods with a smile and walks out of the room)

(Dumbledore looks exasperated)

Dumbledore: What have I done?

(We change to the Harry, Ron, and Hermione all walking outside of Snape's room with the other students)

Harry: God, I hate Potions.

Hermione: Harry, it's an interesting subject! Besides, we need to find out who Snape's girlfriend is! It'll brighten him up.

Ron: He and I are already tight like Harry and Dumbledore. Why do I need to be part of this?

Malfoy: Because we're bored, Weasley. But, Granger, how are we gonna find out who this mystery black haired woman is?

Hermione: Just drop hints, okay?

Other: Got it.

(The door opens and Snape walks out, ready to welcome them in)

Ron: So, Snape. Have you been having sex with Hogsmeade shoppers lately?

(Pause)

(Snape closes door)

Dean: I guess class is dismissed.

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Dumbledore staring at his computer while resting his head on his right hand, making his mouth hang open oddly)

Dumbledore, glumly: Oh my god, Umbridge. Stop emailing me.

(Audience laughs)

(Snape enters the office)

Snape: Headmaster, may I have permission to go into Hogsmeade for the evening?

Dumbledore: Sure, Snape. Why would I care?

Snape: Thank you.

(He exits)

Dumbledore: I'm almost afraid to look at my phone's inbox.

(He groans a little and takes out a pink phone that he flips open)

Female voice on phone: You have…900 new unread texts and…35 voice messages.

Dumbledore: I guess I should just listen to the voice messages.

(Presses a button)

Female voice: First message.

Umbridge, on phone: Hey, did you get my text?

(Dumbledore groans and presses another button)

Female voice: Second message.

Umbridge: Hey…you didn't text me back.

Dumbledore, irritated: F**K!

(Scene changes to Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, and Luna shopping at night in Hogsmeade in a set that happens to be The Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park while it is closed)

Ron: Oh, my God. Guys, look in the Three Broomsticks.

(We see Snape sitting at a table in the bar, talking to a beautiful black haired woman)

Harry, muttering: Holy crap, she's a knockout.

Malfoy: We should just…check things out.

Luna: But what about the crumple horned snorkach hunting?

Malfoy: Honey, shut up.

Hermione: Let's go inside and spy.

Ron: Good idea.

("Minnie the Moocher" song plays as the group moves like the Blues Brothers did in their movie during this song)

(They all stare at Snape and his date)

(Ron suddenly trips over on Malfoy and they all collapse loudly, causing the whole bar to look around)

(Song abruptly ends)

(Snape stands, looking angry)

Snape: What the devil is going on here?

(They all start spluttering explanations while lying on the floor)

Ron: Um…

Hermione: We were…

Harry: Big mistake.

Ron: Just passing.

Hermione: Sorry to bother…

Malfoy: We were just hungry.

Luna with confident smile: Looking for wrack spurts.

Snape: Is this about Weasley's stupid outburst today before class?

Harry: Well, we just wanted to see if you were finally dating somebody. And this one, psshh, wow…she's a real supermeganfoxyawesomehotty.

Ron, standing too: Yeah, I'd do her.

Hermione: Ron!

Ron: Oh, sorry hon.

Snape, after pause: This is my sister.

(Long, awkward pause)

Ron: Detention?

Snape: For a month!

(A blind-drunk Lupin turns around at the bar)

Lupin, drunkenly: Yeah, you tell 'em, Snivellous! *Hick up's and falls down*

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Snape sitting his classroom when there is a knock on the door)

Snape, while writing: Come in!

(Malfoy, Harry, Ron, and Hermione enter)

Snape: What do you want?

Harry: We came to apologize.

Hermione: We feel really bad.

Ron: All of us.

Malfoy: Everyone involved.

(They all nod)

Snape, after pause: Where's Lovegood then?

Malfoy: Outside looking for rat-spores or whatever they're called.

Harry: We haven't told anyone this embarrassing and hysterical story yet.

Snape: This is Hogwarts. If something's a secret, the whole damn school knows.

Ron, muttering: I…I kinda _Tweeted_ it.

Snape: Oh, for God's sake! What does it matter who I date or when I hang out with my sister? How the hell is it any of your business? I mean you're just kids! It's not like you've even had sex with anyone or anyth-

(They all give him a "Really" look)

Snape: Right, sorry. Stupid question, never mind.

Hermione: Well, we wanted to make it up to you.

Malfoy: So we decided to give you something.

Snape: What is it?

Harry: A picture album that Hagrid made for us of you and my Mom when you guys were kids.

(Pause as Snape takes the book, looking very touched)

(He opens it and looks at the pages)

Snape: These pictures….where did they come from?

(Silence)

Harry: My dad took them for surveillance in case you two did something or whatever, you know.

(Snape smiles to himself as a spotlight shines on him and darkness takes the rest of the room while solemn music plays)

(Lily Potter walks out of the darkness to stand next to him)

Lily: Severus.

Snape, surprised: Lily. My love.

(Song picks up slightly)

Snape, singing: Not a day goes by where I try not to cry at the prospect of not being here with you. I walk the halls each day, and wish there was another way to walk them with you. You were my one my only…only love. Beautiful as a flying dove. Your long, dark hair. You had not a care in the world…about the things that didn't matter. You were always there for me. I wish that things were different than they had to be.

(Flashback)

Snape: I don't need help from a filthy little Mudblood like her!

(Lily looking hurt)

(Back to present)

Snape, singing: And Oh, God! Lily, I am sorry. I want to be with you every day and night, rainy or starey! Why did you have to go away? Why did that cruel bastard take you from me that day? I hope that we'll be together again. You were my only love…my….*spoken* only friend.

(Lily smiles as tears drip down Snape's face)

(As they very slowly slow-dance, clips are shown from the last Harry Potter movie of them when they were little kids)

Lily, whispering: I love you, Severus.

Snape: I…I love you, too….Lily…Evans.

(She disappears and Snape closes his eyes)

(Blackout until we see Dumbledore's office as the ending credits appear bellow)

Dumbledore, on phone: Umbridge…can you start next week?

Umbridge, over phone: Yaaayyyy!

(Dumbledore rolls his eyes)

(The end)


	7. Episode 5: Truth or Dare? :p

A very Potter Sitcom

Season 2, Episode 5

"Truth or dare?"

(TV-14-DSL)

_Note: I'm sure you'll all find this to be a very funny and entertaining episode. Imagine the actual cast of AVPM doing this! LOL!_

(We begin with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Jacob, Malfoy, Luna, Ginny, Dean, Seamus, Neville, Cho and her usual friends, Crabbe, Goyle, and Chad)

(Harry, Ron, and Jacob all walk in looking exhausted, still wearing Quidditch uniforms)

Ron: Practice was horrible.

Harry: Brutal.

Jacob: Yeah, Lupin's got us doing so much. I'm exhausted!

Hermione: Well, I've finished all my homework. I need something interesting to do.

Cho: I have an interesting idea on what we can all do for some fun.

Seamus: Really? And what would that be?

Dean: Something…sexy?

Cho: It can be.

(They both look excited)

Cho: It can also be very, very gross.

(They're looks falter)

Seamus: Wait…like a three-way or something?

Cho: No! Silly boys! Now, this is a very popular Muggle game-

Hermione, excited: Oooh! I bet it's scrabble.

Cho: Uh, no, Herman. It's something cool; you've never played it before.

(Hermione looks slightly hurt)

Cho: Now, everyone sit in a circle!

(They all form a circle on the carpet)

Cho: Goodie. Now-

Hermione: Oh, is this duck, duck, goose?

Cho: No…that's for baby duckies and gooses.

Harry: You mean, geese?

Cho: Oh, whatever. This game is called…..TRUTH….OR DARE!

(Pause)

Jacob: Oh, s**t.

(Theme song and commercial break)

(We return to see everyone sitting in the same circle)

Cho: Well, this is gonna be fun, right?

Hermione, undertone: Kill me now.

Cho: What?

Hermione: Nothing!

Cho: Alright. Now if anyone has a dare for the famous Harry Potter over there, speak your mind now!

(Pause)

Cho: Anyone?

(Still, no one speaks)

Cho: Oh, come on. Someone has to have some kind of idea.

Malfoy, smiling sinisterly: I do.

Harry: Oh, God.

Malfoy: Potter...I dare you to kiss….Weasley.

(Ron and Harry look at each other)

(The entire group begins laughing wildly and cheering for the incoming dare)

(Harry and Ron lean in to each other but Ron retracts and pulls out two breath mints)

Hermione: Oh does he have bad breath like the first time we made out?

Ron: No, this is for me. His smells divine compared to yours.

(Hermione stares)

Harry, uncomfortably: Alright. Here we go.

(They lean in and finally press their lips together for about two seconds before pulling apart to hysterical laughter from everyone)

Cho: Brilliant! Now, we've got it going.

Harry: Okay, Ron's next.

Malfoy: I have a dare.

Ron: Shut the hell up, Malfoy.

Jacob: Do any of the girls have a dare for our curious little friend here?

Pavarti: Yep. I dare you to…throw all of your Redvines out the window.

(Pause while everyone else laughs but Ron and Harry)

Both: No way.

Cho: Come on. You have to do it.

Lavender: A dare is a dare.

Ginny: Yeah, come on, Ron.

Ron: Fine. Just give me a minute and I'll be back, alright?

(He walks up the stairs and comes back down with a large armful of Redvine bags)

Cho: Everyone. This fine game of "Truth or Dare" is brought to you by Redvines. And now let's throw them out.

Ron, to sweets: I'm sorry, my children. (Window opens and he throws them out)

Be free….

(We here thumps)

Umbridge's voice: Owie!

Ron, to Pavarti: You bitch.

Cho: Oh, come on now. It's just a dare. Hermione gets one now.

Malfoy: Anybody have one for the dear?

Neville: Oh, Neville does!

(He stands proudly)

Neville: I dare you to kiss Ginny.

Ron: Oh, Harry and I just did that!

Harry: Rip off!

Hermione: Oh, it's not that bad.

Ginny: It's not?

Hermione: No. One day we're all gonna get drunk and end up doing that sort of stupid thing anyway.

(She and Ginny kiss each other and retract)

Jacob: This is a lot of fun.

Ginny: Oh, I'm glad you think so. 'Cause you're next.

Jacob: I am?

(Everyone nods)

Jacob: Wait, I choose Truth! We aren't even getting the chance to choose anything!

Cho: Oh, please. Nobody's ever allowed to choose Truth in "Truth or Dare". Duh!

Jacob: Okay! Fine! What's the stupid dare?

Goyle: Goyle dares you to go ask out Professor Dumbledore…on a date.

(The others laugh)

Jacob, stricken: Wh…what? No!

Cho: You have to do it.

Lavender: It's the dare!

(Jacob's face falls)

Jacob: Okay, fine!

(He exits and the group sits and waits)

Harry: How long do you think this'll take?

(Jacob walks back in)

Pavarti: So, how did it go?

Jacob: McGonagall stopped him before he could answer. He looked a little too happy.

(The others laugh)

Jacob: Well, I'm gonna get you back for that, Goyle.

Goyle: Huh?

Jacob: I dare you to kiss Seamus!

(Seamus and Goyle both retch in fear and disgust)

Seamus: Wait! Why am I a victim?

Jacob: You laughed.

Seamus, angrily: We all laughed!

Harry: I'm laughing right now.

Ron: Come on, I had to kiss Harry and Jacob had to ask out Dumbledore. I think you can do this.

Seamus: But it's the weird, tall, deep-voiced thing that walks around here that I have to kiss!

Goyle: I am not happy. I am not a queer! But I must complete this dare to earn my rite of passage.

Hermione: What rite of pass-

(Goyle terrifies Seamus by quickly planting a kiss on his lips)

Everyone, mockingly: Awww…..

Seamus: F**k off!

(Commercial break)

(We return to see them all still sitting in the same circle in the Gryffindor common room)

Cho: Okay, y'all! Who's next?

Harry: Crabbe, I dare you to fly around the school on a broom in your underwear yelling "I'm a pretty pony".

(The others laugh)

Crabbe: Fine.

(Crabbe stands and picks up a broom from somewhere)

Crabbe: I'll change somewhere down there, Potter.

(Flies out of the window and after a few seconds, begins shouting)

Crabbe, screaming wildly: I'M A PRETTY PONY!

Snape's voice: What the _devil _is going on HERE?

(Pause)

Harry: Well, Snape caught him. He's out of the game.

(Others agree)

Hermione: Okay, Lavender. I have a dare for you.

Luna: Oh, how fun!

Ron: When did you get here?

Luna: Oh! My daddy asks that every time I return home for break.

Harry: Hermione, you were saying?

Hermione: Lavender, I dare you to put as many marsh mellows in your mouth as you can and keep trying to say "Chubby Bunny".

Malfoy: Oh, we've played this before. There's a video of it on YouTube.

Lavender: You call that a dare?

Hermione: And you have to swallow them all when you're done.

(Pause)

Lavender: Crap.

(She begins putting as many marsh mellows as possible in her mouth, nearly crying each time she says "Chubby Bunny")

(She begins writhing on the ground, trying to gasp for air and screaming in a muffled voice)

Cho, surprised: Is she alright?

Lavender: MMMRRRRGGGHHH!

(She lies there, looking dead)

(They all look closer at her)

Harry: Oh, my God! You killed her, Hermione!

Hermione, frantically: I didn't mean to! It was just a dare! We were all just having fun! Right?

Cho: Murderer.

Hermione, crying: Oh, God!

(There is a swallowing noise and Lavender sits up, looking epic)

Lavender: Chubby Bunny, bitch!

(Audience cheers as everyone stares at Lavender sitting back down)

Lavender: I got you, Hermione! You thought that I died!

Hermione: Why would you do that?

Lavender: Because you made me eat all of those marsh mellows. I'm gonna have to throw up tonight to get rid of the fat.

Malfoy: Have no girls ever heard of simple exercise?

Hermione: That was a really scary thing to do, Lavender. We thought this game had killed somebody.

(Pause)

Cho: K', who's next?

(Commercial break)

(We return to see them sitting in the same spots)

Malfoy: Alright, Finnegan. What is your dare for me?

Seamus: I dare you and Luna to make out for us all.

Dean: Yeah, hot and heavy.

Malfoy: But we haven't got to that stage yet.

Luna: Okay, I'm ready.

(They lean in and scene changes and they both look like they've been beaten up)

Luna: Dean, I dare you to slap yourself 100 times.

Dean: Fine.

(Quick scene change with Dean still slapping himself and crying)

Dean: Oh, God, how many times have I gone?

Hermione: Five.

Dean: Oh!

(Quick scene change)

Cho: So, any dares for young Pavarti here?

Ron: Pavarti, I dare you to go fight to the death with Pansy Parkinson.

Pavarti: Easy!

(She walks out and we have a quick scene change)

(She walks back in looking like she was just beaten to a pulp)

Pavarti: Screw you, Ron.

Ron: That's for the Redvines!

(Crabbe also walks in)

Crabbe: Screw you, Potter!

Harry: Screw you, Malfoy!

Malfoy: Screw you, Finnegan!

Seamus and Jacob: Screw you, Kragoff!

Jacob: Screw you, Thomas!

Dean: Screw you, Lovegood!

Luna: I think I might have Rask spurts.

Ron: Bloody Hell!

(They all begin arguing very loudly)

(Cho laughs loudly and they all glare at her)

Cho: Well, my dare is complete.

Harry: What are you talking about?

Cho: Professor Lupin was talking about how we're all great friends and would never turn on each other. I said we would and he dared me to make it happen. And I did! One game of "Truth or Dare" (without the truth) and here we are!

(Pause)

(Everyone starts apologizing to each other)

Harry: Yeah, we're friends and no one can ever really turn us on each other.  
>Others: Yeah!<p>

Cho, sing song: I wouldn't bet on it…

Hermione: Everyone, I think I have a new dare for everyone. (Pause) Kill Cho.

(Pause)

(Cho screams and goes running up the stairs while being chased by the whole room)

(The image freezes as they run and the ending music plays)

(Credits and end)


	8. Ep6: A series of unfortunatly odd events

A Very Potter Sitcom

Season two, episode six

"A series of unfortunately odd events"

(TV-14-DLV)

NOTE: I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED AVPS'S 20TH EPISODE! TRUTH OR DARE WAS JUST THE PERFECT WAY TO CELEBRATE THAT. NOW, SIT BACK, RELAX, AND READ AND THEN SIT UP, STOP RELAXING, AND WRITE A F**KING REVIEW! THANKS!

(Begin with regular intro and theme song)

(Cut to Hogsmeade village, shot at Universal Harry Potter theme park)

(Harry, Ron, and Hermione all walk through the streets)

Hermione: No, guys. I think going to see the new Twilight would be a lot of fun!

Ron: Oh for the last time, I am not gonna pay five galleons for tickets just to see you sit there and moan every single time the native American werewolf dude takes of his shirt.

Harry: To be fair, he did work hard for that.

Ron: Please, he was _so _using a muscle installing charm.

Hermione, muttering: Something _you _should look into.

Ron: What?

Hermione: Nothing!

Harry: She said it was something you-

(Hermione elbows him in the crotch)

Harry: AH!

Hermione: Oh, sorry, Harry! I meant to hit you in your gut, I forgot about how tall you've gotten and how I never seem to grow.

Harry, high pitched: I'm fine!

(We see two girls storm out of The Three Broomsticks)

(One girl, Lean, is played by Hailey from Modern Family while the other is Katie, a reoccurring character on the show played by the actress of Luna)

Katie: Oh, my God! This has _nothing _to do with you, Lean!

Lean, worried: But it looks dangerous! You said it was bought in Borgin and Burkes, that's like the _worst _black-market shop in the country. Even Dung Fletcher is afraid to shop there!

(Katie takes out the necklace)

Katie: Oh, it is just a necklace. How harmless can it be? It's just a gift for-

(Necklace glows)

Katie: gift for- wait, why the hell is it glowing?

(Loud, dark music plays as Katie screams wildly and stands in the middle of the street, scaring Harry and the others)

Lean: Katie!

Hermione: What's happening?

(Katie holds a scream for a very long time, making the others stare and causing the audience to clap)

(Finally, her face red, she stops)

Katie, drunkenly: Oh….s**t.

(She falls over)

Others: Katie!

(They run over and fall to her side as she stares at nothing)

Hermione: Oh, she's Jacob's girlfriend! He is not going to be happy this happened.

Ron: Yeah. Wait until he finds out she's insa- (Hermione glares) –in a bad situation right now.

(Hagrid comes running on and the audience claps and cheers)

Hagrid: Hey! (Pause) What the hell happened 'ere?

Lean: I don't know! She just touched a necklace and then went all crazy.

Hagrid, seriously: Okay. Everyone calm down. Now Lean, tell me….was it Paris Hilton crazy or Britney Spears crazy?

Lean: I don't know! She just started screaming!

Hagrid: Okay, so it's Miley Cyrus crazy. Okay, we better get 'er to Professors Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall.

(Scene change as he picks up Katie)

(Later in Hospital wing, we see from Katie's point of view, starring up at Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore)

(They are all starring at her with one eyebrow raised, cocking their heads and studying her)

(After a pause, Snape slowly pokes our eye)

Dumbledore: Is she conscious?

McGonagall: I don't know. She's breathing and her eyes are open. Maybe we should try using-

Snape, loudly: CAN YOU HEAR ME?

(The others jump slightly from shock)

(Pause)

Snape: IF YOU CAN HEAR ME…FLEX YOUR BOOBS. Do you know how to do that?

McGonagall: Severus!

Snape: Because if you can, you need to teach me.

McGonagall: SEVERUS!

Snape: What?

McGonagall: This is serious!

Snape: I know, was I not being series?

Dumbledore: Series?

(Snape pulls out paper)

Snape: Oh, sorry. Script was typed wrong. Typo. Got it. (Rolls his eyes) *Muttering* Kragoff…

(Throws paper behind him and stares at Katie again)

Dumbledore: What are we going to do?

(Snape pulls out his wand)

McGonagall: Maybe we can try and use a counter curse.

Dumbledore: I have books on that.

McGonagall: I'll study the necklace.

Dumbledore: I'll try and trace it back to its purchaser.

(As they keep talking about what to do, Snape keeps poking our eye with the tip of his wand, staring at us with interest)

Dumbledore and McGonagall: SNAPE!

Snape: AH! WHAT?

(Blue light bursts from his wand and hits our eyes, causing the screen to go black)

(Long pause)

Snape: Oopsie.

(Commercial break)

Advertisement:

NEXT WEEK…

(We see the old AVPM stage decorated with beautiful Christmas decorations and Snape sitting on a nice armchair next to a fireplace)

STARKID PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENTS…

Snape: Merry Christmas! *undertone* I'm only here because I'm getting paid.

A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL THAT RIVALS EVEN THE ONE FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!

(Darren Criss appears)

Darren: I guess I'm comin' back.

Snape: I wanted Christmas off.

Joe Walker: I'm not going to have to take off my shirt for this show, am I?

(Shot of a dark room with Voldemort sitting inside)

(We see a ghostly image of Hitler in chains)

Hitler: You shall be visited by three spirits.

Voldemort: Oh, yeah. That happens whenever I smoke a little bit of weed. No biggie.

THE STARKID CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

(Shot of Grinch played by Devon Bostick)

Grinch: Tomorrow is Christmas….it's practically almost here!

COMING CHRISTMAS EVE LIVE ON

Snape: I'm going to read you a story.

(Looks at book)

Snape, squinting: "The Night before Christmas"….

(Throws book over his shoulder)

Snape: Boring.

(End of ad)

(We return to see a large party going on in the Great Hall)

Dumbledore: Welcome to the annual pre-holiday party. For our American students, happy Thanksgiving!

Snape: And now we drink.

McGonagall: Only teachers.

Jacob: Oh, of course.

(Ron stumbles over to Harry and Hermione as everyone else talks loudly around them)

Ron: I need a *hiccup* drink…

Hermione: But you've been drinking for the whole party.

Ron: I have? Oh, *hiccup* I was wondering why I felt so…drunk.

Harry: Okay, you've had one to many. Let's get you to the Hospital Wing.

Ron: NO!

Snape: Headmaster, this package just came in for you.

Dumbledore: Oh, thanks for bringing it in. Oh, fine wine. That rhymes, I like that.

Ron: Mine!

Hermione and Harry: Ron, no!

Hermione: That belongs to Professor Dumbledore!

Harry: Don't forget to give me some!

Hermione: Harry!

Harry: What?

(Ron begins chugging the wine)

(After about a minute, he stops and stands perfectly still)

(Pause)

Ron: S**t.

(He falls over and Snape smells the bottle)

Snape: Poison.

Hermione: Oh, my God. Ron! Is he dead?

Snape: No, I'll just give him an antidote. He'll be fine.

Harry: Well, that's the second attack this week.

Jacob: We're setting a record.

Harry: And the bottle was supposed to go to Professor Dumbledore. That means someone's trying to kill him.

McGonagall: But who?

(No one speaks)

(We see Malfoy sneaking out of the Hall quietly)

TO BE CONTINUED…


	9. End of AVPS Hiatus

Important Explanation

Okay, so I know that I am months overdue on updating AVPS and that you are all probably hating me by now. But the uploading of Holy Musical Batman on YouTube has gotten me back into a mood for Starkid. I will be uploading what must be the first ever April Christmas special up soon and will immediately begin typing up the final handful of episodes for this season and I promise you I will be better in season 3. I am sorry to inform the cancellation of Snape's spinoff seeing as I have a summer acting job that will take up way to much of my time…

UNLESS….

If anyone, ANYONE AT ALL who considers themselves both a Starkid and AVPS fan, I welcome you to send me a private message asking to adopt The Potion Master's Corner. Whoever wants it can message me and maybe send me a short scene or something to prove your qualification. I will select the person, give them permission to avoid a confrontation from Fanfiction's rules on writing on other people's stories, and let them do all the work for that show! This offer has been made on April 25, 2012, so if you are reading this in, say, a year or so after that date, I doubt this is still going on. So, I now end this message. Thank you for baring with me and I apologize for not updating. I will go punish myself in a very Dobbyish style. TTYL


	10. A Very Starkid Musical Prologue

Author's note:

This season has been a total drag what with my never uploading new episodes because of a hectic schedule and I now have a busy summer whilst I am playing a part in a brand new show called Cybersoul. So much to do. First off, let me explain certain new format. When reading songs in this story, a few dots after a word means a long note, the more dots there are, the longer the note. The italics are used when writing a sort of epic in the series, something long like a TV film story. Now, to other business. Well, Severus Snape's spinoff will be taken care of by a new person who has been given the rights from me to adopt Potion Master's Corner this summer and probably all summers after that. I will upload more info later on. My only way to repay you all for checking up on this story is not to upload five or six rushed, boring episodes I quickly cooked up. No, I am not like the corporate slugs that run places like FOX and ABC and worst of all, Disney Channel. (Queue corny dramatic music) No, instead I give you my retribution. I give you the season finale of all season finales. I give you, this….

(Please remember to review and favorite if you like it, enjoy)

_(Dark music begins as the darkness fades, revealing a small room covered with electronics and devices that look almost like something from Star Trek) _

_(The lights begin flashing and a tall figure with brown hair a white skin appears out of it, to cheering from the audience)_

_(It is Brian Holden, but he is not playing Lupin, he is dressed in all black clothing and has a large, red scar on his cheek) _

_(Smiling demonically, he walks around the control room, eying the devices with glee)_

_(The dark music slowly begins to escalate)_

_Junior: Well, escaping a fate like that isn't too easy._

_(We see a flash back to Junior's death that lasts less than a second, hearing his screams)_

_Junior: How am I here? Did I die? Did I escape death at the last crucial moment? Nope. I did die, ladies and gentlemen. That, I can assure you of. I died, and here is my epic return. But it's not just mine…_

_(Music gets louder and faster)_

_Junior, singing: I like to kick it up a notch…'cause I'm evil and bad to the bone…I ain't gonna lay down alone...I am a villain, not a Starkid drone…And I'll have a blast, blowin' shit up, and makin' it rough! I'm a real bad guy, nobody should ever dare try, to give me a blast from the PAST! I like to kick it up a notch, And WATCH… (Beat) ALL (Beat) STAR…KIDS DIE….!_

_(Holds note as lights darken again and audience cheers, before coming on again to show the setting of a large city with a tall figure striding out with a purple suit, a yellow flower as a pin on it, with spiky green hair and pale white skin along with red lips and two long, dark red scars leaving his face in a permanent smile)_

_(As he walks forward, the audience begins to cheer loudly at the sight of the Joker played by the actor of Sweet Tooth)_

_Joker, singing: I love to kick it up a notch….with evil and menace under my control… I'm a super-villain, y'all. I'm a terrorist whose havin' a ball…And I'll be delirious! So, why so Serious? I'm the Batman's number one hell of a guy..…I like to kick it up a notch…And Watch (Beat) All (Beat) Star…Kids DIE….!_

_(Laughs his crazy, demonic laugh from Holy Musical Batman as lights fade and audience cheers again) _

_(As the lights return, we see Voldemort rising from a large cauldron, greeted by the loudest cheers of all from the audience) _

_(He smiles and also begins to sing)_

_Voldemort, singing: They like to kick it (beat) up (beat) a notch…they're evil and they've lost it all…They come from worlds far from ours…with superheroes, aliens, and some Muggle thing called cars. They're here because of me…ready to kill and destroy for vengeance and glee…We all want to kill them and take their luck…Potter, Bats, and Bug, so call us horrible guys….We love to kick it up a notch…_

_(Many other villains, including Joker and Junior, from Starkid's shows all come behind and start singing as well)_

_All, singing: AND WATCH (Beat) ALL (Beat) STARKIDS…...DIE…!_

_(They hold the long note as the song finishes up, lights go dark and audience cheers loudly)_

_STARKID PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENTS…_

_THE EPIC CONCLUSION TO SEASON TWO…_

"_A VERY STARKID MUSICAL"_

_(End of Prologue) _


	11. A Very Starkid Musical Act One Part One

_A VERY STARKID MUSICAL_

_ACT ONE PART ONE _

_Note: This story is in celebration of the Apocolyptour from Starkid. _

_(We return to see the Great Hall, which has everybody huddling together as a horrible snow storms hails against the windows loudly) _

_Snape, miserably: How long is this going to last? _

_Dumbledore: No idea!_

_(Harry shifts closer to Hermione) _

_Harry: Hermione?_

_Hermione, looking up from large book: Yes? _

_Harry: I have something for you. You've helped me a lot of times over the past three or four years on about (stops and counts for a minute, mouthing numbers to himself as he looks up, while Hermione looks at him, waiting) On twenty three homework assignments, forty seven bookwork sheets, sixty half sheet classwork assignments, forty nine art sculptures, and about seven essays. Well, seven plus ten extra ones from Snape, anyway. _

_Hermione: Oh, you're welcome, Harry. Did you get me something for all my work?_

_Harry: Yes. Close your eyes._

_(She obeys, looking excited whilst holding out her hands)_

_(Harry hands her a long piece of wrinkled parchment and she opens it) _

_Hermione: Oh, Harry! You're giving me the Marauders Map?_

_Ron and Jacob, wheeling around: WHAT?_

_Harry: Even better. It's my midterm assignment._

_(Audience laughs) _

_Hermione: You're gonna give my another one of your homework assignments to do instead of a present?_

_Harry: Yeah, 'cause it's due tomorrow. _

_(Hermione excitedly hugs Harry)_

_Hermione: Oh, thank you, Harry! I already did my assignment about a month ago and I thought I was going to be bored! THANK YOU! This is the best present you've ever given me!_

_Ron, staring: You're not human._

_(The small door on side of the stage begins to get hammered on from outside before it is swung open and Umbridge stumbles out with Professor Moody who is wheezing and looking demonic as usual)_

_(Umbridge is carrying firewood)_

_Umbridge: I got da firewood!_

_(She sees small fire in middle of room)_

_(Drops firewood angrily) _

_Umbridge: Where da hell did that fire come from?_

_(Pause)_

_Dumbledore: Magic…_

_Jacob, rolling his eyes: Only in this place is that a reliable answer._

_Umbridge: Den why da hell was I sent out to get firewood?_

_Neville: Um, miss?_

_(Umbridge wheels around furiously and grabs Neville by the neck, causing the others to look startled besides Moody who nods)_

_Umbridge: Who disrespecting' Umbridge? You wanna die, ShLongbottom? _

_Neville, choking: No, miss…I…I just…wanted to say…we appreciate…your jester…_

_Moody: Boy, you need to learn how to fight this type of bullying. _

_Dumbledore: Alastar…_

_Moody: It is the correct way to live as long as you have CONSTANT VIGILANCE so that you can be expected to survive. Nobody survives without CONSTANCT VIGILANCE because CONSTANT VIGILANCE is the only way to live your life. Always be ready for an attack by death eaters or Dementors or vampires or even worse, Twilight Vampires that sparkle for some reason. Always have-_

_Neville: Constant Vigilance…yeah, I heard._

_Snape: I think you're choking him too much, Dolores._

_Umbridge, annoyed: Well, what made you dink dat, Snape?_

_Snape: Perhaps that he's turning purple? _

_(Neville nods)_

_Umbridge: Oh, sorry._

_(She does not release him but looks closer, curiously)_

_Umbridge: Wow, he really IS turning purple. Dats kinda cool._

_(She and Moody both look closer at him, turning their heads slightly in interest as Neville chokes)_

_(Minerva McGonagall walks in)_

_McGonagall: Professors Moody and Umbridge, what on Earth do you think you're doing?_

_(Pause while they both look at her, Neville still choking and pawing at Umbridge's grip)_

_Moody: Teaching._

_(McGonagall waves her wand and Umbridge stumbles back, looking furious) _

_Umbridge: You disrespectin-_

_Moody: CONSTANT-_

_McGonagall, bored: Yes, I am disrespecting Umbridge and yes, Alastar, I have (does crazy impression of him) CONSTANCT VIGILANCE!_

_(Walks away with wide eyes and a waving finger)_

_(Moody turns to the others as she leaves) _

_Moody: She made fun of me._

_Cho: Now, come on, y'all, we can't start fightin' just because we're all cooped up in here and have been starin' at a snow storm for about four months with only house elves' left over food and not even any cable to watch. _

_Goyle, looking down with sorrow: Goyle misses Wizards of Waverly Place…_

_(Crabbe puts affectionate hand on Goyle's shoulder) _

_Crabbe: We all do, friend. _

_(Offstage we here Malfoy calling)_

_Malfoy: Could somebody please explain to me-_

_(He rolls into the room oddly, making the audience cheer loudly for his/her usual gag) _

_(Malfoy stands with shirt messed up and hair all over the place, trying to gain a rich-man composure while looking like a strange child) _

_Malfoy: -why we've suddenly run out of our Doctor Who DVD's? _

_Goyle: Goyle through them away. Goyle does not like Doctor Who. _

_(Malfoy stars at him for a moment before lashing out and trying to attack him, while Harry, Ron, Dumbledore, and Seamus all comically hold him back as he thrashes around wildly like a maniac)_

_(Everyone begins shouting things, as Hermione tries to calm everyone down and Snape and Chad watch things with interest)_

_Hermione: Everyone! Everyone, stop!_

_(Rolls her eyes and pulls out wand, raising it in the air and causing the song Friday to play)_

_(Everybody screams and covers their ears, falling slowly to the ground as if under a great deal of pain) _

_(Hermione ceases music after mutter "Knox" and puts wand away)_

_Hermione: Knew that spell would come in handy someday. _

_Cho: Is everyone alright? _

_Dumbledore: I think so. But I'm going to go listen to my Aba tracks from the 70's to get that music out of my head. _

_(He walks away) _

_Jacob, darkly: That was the most horrible noise I've ever heard in my life. And I've been to a Hannah Montana concert. No, not Miley Cyrus, Hannah freaking Montana! I didn't sleep for days!_

_Ron, crying: It's not Friday…no, no, it's Saturday! IT'S SATURDAY, DAMN YOU! (Cries a little)_

_Hermione: Oh, shut up, it's just a song._

_Harry: Just a song, it could have been used as the only music allowed in Death Camps or something. _

_Hermione: Can it, Mister Do-All-My-Homework for Snape!_

_Snape: Wait, what? Detention, Potter!_

_Harry: She lies!_

_Chad: She speaks the truth!_

_All: SHUT UP, CHAD!_

_Ron: It isn't Friday! _

_Umbridge: Enough of dis! I'm gonna go listen to that Katy Perry song about Friday! At least DAT one was realistic! _

_Ron: I'm gonna go do something other than sit here. Oh, where is that Zac Efron portrait, I need somebody to talk to!_

_(Runs off)_

_Harry: Harry Potter loves Zac Efron the most!_

_Ron: No, I do!_

_Harry: I do!_

_Goyle: Goyle does._

_Malfoy: Shove a sock in it, mush mouth._

_Snape: Detention you Whovian!_

_Harry: That's not fair, it is a great show!_

_Chad, singsong: I'm sensing conflict…_

_All: Shut up, Chad! _

_Cho, furiously: Oh, now everybody shut the FUCK UP!_

_(Everyone else stars)_

_Cho, regaining herself: Right. Now, come on, y'all. I think I feel a little tone coming on! Am I right?_

_(Pause)_

_(Everyone mutters things such as "no" "not really" "nah ah")_

_Harry: Hogwarts just isn't the same anymore. We're like, on hiatus or something it feels like. A huge snowstorm and we don't even get to fight any bad guys anymore. When I came back this year I was hoping for something exciting. Like, I don't know, a stone in a secret dungeon beneath the school guarded by moving chess pieces and flying keys and plants._

_(Another pause and everyone mutters the same "no" answers they already did)_

_Chad: Lame._

_Cho: Oh, Harry's right, y'all. But I think this place has got some magic left in her! Because, you know, when life gets you down and you just wanna click a life alert button because you can't move or something, then all you gotta do, if you're young, is get back up, y'all! GET BACK UP!_

_(Music begins and starts to go fast as audience cheers at familiar song)_

_Cho, singing: You think we've lost our edge (beat) but I say it's all in our heads. (beat) So listen up, 'cause I've got a message for you. _

_(Begins to dance with excited, horny looking Lupin) _

_Cho: And now we dance, y'all! _

_Cho, singing: You've got something of a dry-spell, but you teachers taught me everything that I know. So wise up, cause I've got some teaching to do. _

_(All of the others stand up and start dancing with her as she releases Lupin, who clutches at his heart and pulls out an epee-pin, while walking out quickly) _

_Cho: We're all total bad-asses, learning spells in our classes. Now you're all telling me you're havin' doubts. Well I'm not about to let, wizards or witches forget, what bein' a Starkid's all about… _

_(They dance during an instrumental part with a guitar solo while audience whoops) _

_(Stop in middle after solo ends)_

_All, singing: We've gotta get up, gotta get back, get back up!_

_Cho, singing: You gotta get up, gotta get back, get back up!_

_All, singing:_ We've _gotta get up, gotta get back, get back up! _

_Group one, singing: We've gotta get back…_

_Group two, singing: Get back up…_

_Group one, singing: Get back…._

_Group two, singing: Get back up._

_All, singing: GET BACK UP!_

_(Song finishes and they all stand in center stage as audience cheers and we fade into new scene)_


	12. A Very Starkid Musical Act One Part Two

_A VERY STARKID MUSICAL_

_ACT ONE PART TWO_

…

_(The lights fade back on and we see that the set has turned to a sort of warehouse, one that has old fashioned 30's style mobster characters stalking around with weapons and boxes)_

_(A tall man with Italian mobster accent, old fashioned, enters and is played by Dylan Saunders)_

_Val Cony: Hey, are all of yous early done stacking those boxes?_

_(A tall man with abnormally deep voice, obviously played by Jim Povolo)_

_Tall man: Nearly, boss. _

_Val Cony, while smoking cirgare: Good. Things are going perfectly. (Perfectly oddly pronounced poi-fect-ly)_

_(Strangely annoying and cheery obnoxious voice is heard as a tall figure covered by darkness walks in, brandishing a long gleaming walking stick and wearing a suit with a bowler hat)_

_Stranger: If by perfectly you mean "The Bat's on his way so we had better hurry and get all of these boxes stored as quickly as we can" well then…_

_Tall man: The Bat is coming here?_

_Other mob henchman: What are we gonna do, boss?_

_Val Cony, angrily: Are you serious about the Bat comin' here?_

_Stranger: No, you didn't let me finish. I was going to say that if that was what you meant by perfectly, then you're wrong. If by perfectly you mean "There's no sign of the goddamn Bat and we haven't got anything to worry about" well then yes!_

_(Mobsters either breathe a sigh of relief or look angrily in the stranger's direction, including a furious Val Cony)_

_Val Cony: Well, by perfectly I sure as hell don't mean "There's an annoying man in a green suit hiding in the darkness jeering at us". Who the hell are you, anyway?_

_(Stranger twirls cane around a bit)_

_Stranger: Just a friend. But you can call me-_

_(He steps into light and we see that it is the Riddler played by Corey Dorris, actor of Big T in "Me and My Dick" and Yaxley in "A very Potter Sequel")_

_Riddler: The Riddler!_

_(A tall man with a half of his face white and the other horribly scarred with purple and red colors, a wide eye, and large, frizzy white hair storms in furiously)_

_(This is Harvey Two-Face, played by Richard Campbell)_

_Two-Face: What the hell is going on here?_

_(He is about to shout angrily at Val Cony when he spots the Riddler)_

_Two-Face: Oh, not you again you costumed freak!_

_Riddler: Oh, now is that a way to greet an old college roommate?_

_(Audience laughs)_

_Riddler: Besides! Look, you have on a costume. (Points at Two-Faces's half black suit, half red and black stripped)_

_Two-Face: At least mine makes sense! (Strides across stage with pompous manner)_

_Two-Face: It is important to keep up appearances._

_(Pause while Riddler looks at Two-Face with cocked eyebrow)_

_Riddler: You may wanna start with some heavy duty face makeup._

_(Two-Face wheels around angrily and strides quickly up to Riddler, pulling out his famous double barrel pistol and pointing it into the Riddler's neck)_

_Two-Face: Riddle me this, Nigma. What's to stop me pulling BOTH of these triggers and sending your questioning little head flying across the room?_

_(Pause)_

_Riddler: Science. I doubt my head will go that far._

_(Two-Face pushes the gun a little more into his victim's neck)_

_Two-Face: You are trying my patience. You have until the count of five to give me a good explanation on why you are here! One-_

_Riddler, babbling: Wait, five seconds isn't enough!_

_Two-Face: Two-_

_Riddler, worried: This is making it VERY hard to act like a classic Batman villain while you're pointing a gun at my neck!_

_Two-Face: Four-_

_Riddler: Oh, well now I should just be allowed to start over! You skipped THREE!_

_Two-Face, quickly: Oh, no, no. You can't! I was just kidding! Mhm._

_Riddler: Oh, yeah, of course._

_Two-Face: Yeah._

_Riddler: Okay._

_(Pause)_

_Two-Face: FOUR-_

_Riddler: Oh, You're Coin! YOUR LUCKY COIN!_

_Two-Face, caught off guard: My coin?_

_Riddler, frantically: Yes, the Lucky ONE!_

_Two-Face, talking to his duo personality self: Should I use the coin? Well, I don't know. Maybe we should think about it? How about I just blow his head off? Use the coin? Should I use the coin?_

_Riddler, screaming: USE…THE FUCKING…COIN!_

_Two-Face, deciding: Very well._

_(Pulls out coin and tosses it into the air)_

_(Everybody looks up, waiting)_

_(There is a long pause and the coin does not return back down)_

_(Riddler and Two-Face look at each other)_

_Riddler, after pause: I think you lost it._

_Two-Face: Indeed. _

_(He pulls away from Riddler)_

_Two-Face: Well, I suppose I shall have to use the fairness of innocent until proven guilty like in my old courtroom days._

_Riddler: Yeah, good. Which reminds me, how the hell did somebody like you move on to working with the mob?_

_Two-Face: Good paychecks. And they serve free hookers at the meetings._

_(Audience laughs as Riddler looks slightly surprised)_

_(He opens his mouth to say something and forgets about it)_

_Two-Face: So, why have you come back?_

_Riddler: Well, old buddy of mine. I want to offer you-_

_(He puts his arm around Two-Face and leans in as if offering him a very important deal)_

_Riddler:-a relationship._

_(Pause while Two-Face looks very taken aback)_

_Two-Face, stammering slightly: Um, um-ah, uhh, thank-you. B-but I don't really like you in that way, Edward…Or in any way at all possible for that matter._

_(Riddler shakes his head)_

_Riddler: Let me word that differently. How about a partnership?_

_Two-Face: It still sounds like you're asking for my hand in marriage._

_(Riddler pulls back)_

_Riddler: Wait, let me try again. Would you like to be my special buddy? No, DAMN IT! It still sounds wrong! A friend with certain benefits? No, Fuck! Uh…I can't word anything correctly since that damned Batman booterang, or baterang or whatever the hell it was called._

_Two-Face, as if speaking to a slow child: Are you saying you want to be my partner in CRIME?_

_Riddler: Yes! A partnership concerning mutual agreements a bonding of paper- you know what, I'm just gonna stop talking._

_Two-Face: No, I understand what you are proposing. And that you're not PROPOSING. But what have you to offer that I don't already possess? Try to word this one carefully this time, it's a tricky question and I am armed with a gun. _

_(Low jazzy music that was sung by Big-T in MAMD begins to play)_

_Riddler: Okay. Let me explain it to you the way every non-gay supervillain explains something to a future partner of his in crime. In a JAZZ SONG!_

_(Starts to snap and move in sexy, stylish, theatrical movements as three backup dancers who are all female and happen to be Catwoman, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn)_

_(Riddler starts to move like he did in this song during MAMD)_

_Riddler, singing: Take a look at what you see, I betcha never seen a bad guy so fine…I've been blessed with style and sense of dress, I'm the pinnacle of God's design…I riddle cops, Batman, and all, and of my crimes I'm proud…Every innocent hates the way I talk, and is scared of my obnoxious sound…_

_Hey, buddy don't you see? It could be you, the lady villains, and me? (Speaking) So what do you think, Harve? You and Me? Not married!_

_Two-Face, nervous and slightly excited by ladies: I…er…I dunno._

_(Riddler smiles and stalks closer, looking menacing) _

_Riddler, singing: Take a look at what you see, I mean you're not exactly a terrorist, dear…You're henchman's are floppy, and your style is sloppy, and those burn makes won't disappear. (Shoves his gloved hand all over Two-Faces's left side of his face)_

_But join with me…and you'll be just fine…Batman and Robin won't know what to do when I'm yours and you are mine! Go on and take your pick. Be a villain, not a pussy prick._

_Catwoman: Meow._

_Evil ladies, singing: Who're those dudes with the bloodstain shoes, don't be a prick._

_Riddler, singing evilly: Everyday walking down the street, you're the number one villain and you rule the street!_

_Evil ladies, singing: Who're those men, with the secret den, don't be a prick._

_Riddler, singing: Every night, when the moon is right, we'll tear down this city and dance in the fire's light!_

_(Penguin suddenly stumbles in, looking flustered)_

_Penguin: Harvey! I'm sorry what I did to you! I'm here to give you that cut of the cash I owe you. Promise! (Sees Riddler) Hey! What the hell is HE doin' here, wah?_

_(Riddler giggles darkly and looks back at Two-Face)_

_Riddler, singing: Take a look at what you see. It's that penguin dick crawling back…He left you out there in the world, now tell me, what kinda dude does that? But join with me and it will be grand…we'll be the badasses of the town, I'm the guy and you're da man! Hey! _

_Ladies, evilly: Whose that fatass, tryin' to be badass? He's a total dick!_

_Riddler, manically: Get that sad little trucker outta here!_

_(Val Cony and Tall man oblige as Penguin cries out for mercy)_

_Ladies, evilly: Who's that slob, about to be killed by the mob? What a loser prick! _

_Riddler, laughing: There's a new Joker in town. And his NAME…IS THE RIDDLER! HAHAHA! _

_(He and Two-Face put their arms around each other's shoulders)_

_Ladies, singing: Who're those dudes, with the evil plans so crude? Watch out for their tricks! _

_Two-Face and Riddler singing: We're the gods of bad and the kings of cruel, when we get mad, it'll be bad for you! _

_Ladies, singing as music gets louder: Who're those guys, for whom the victim cries? Watch out for their tricks!_

_Two-Face and Riddler singing: We'll kill every Gotham rat, including that stupid goddamn bat!_

_(Song fades along with lights as the villains all laugh cruelly and audience cheers)_


	13. VERY important notice

Important Announcement on 9/3/2012

It truly does break my heart to do this, but I am afraid that I have failed my readers. Now that I have entered high school, my schedule has become much more hectic and I have other stories (and series) on both accounts. I really do love the creation of A very Potter Sitcom and I wish I didn't have to do this.

I am stepping down as the author of this fanfic series. I originally wanted to write five seasons but never even had the time or energy to complete season two. So, I would have cancelled the series completely if not for an idea in my head…

I have some talented authors on this site reading my stories. Please, anybody who is a diehard Starkid fan who wants to see the continuation of this season finale and then the birth of seasons three, four, and five, please message me on my channel. I will read the types of work you have done to see if you are creative and funny enough to continue the comedy I have tried to bring here. I know I am no Starkid, but I do not want to give this story to a terrible author. Anybody who is interested should message me ASAP and wait for me to take a look at the work you have already posted. (Try and write some stories on Starkid characters to give me an accurate idea on your abilities)

Next, I shall ask you to send me a small short story (or you can post it with my permission) featuring the storyline and original characters, along with Starkid characters, I have put into "A very Potter Sitcom"

When I have selected a new author to write this series, I shall send them a long message explaining what I want to see happen. (I will give you freedom should you inherit the series, but there are some key things I do want to see)

I also would recommend that if you take this series, you try and write most of the episodes during the summer. My expectations are weekly episodes (like in an actual TV show) starting on September the first (most of the time) as that is the day Hogwarts always began in the books during the school year.

I expect music to be written in (lyrics) and for there to be plenty of comedy. The episode should always start with the title sequence I always wrote above. (Title of show, title of episode, and TV rating, treating it as if it were a real show)

Every episode should be at least five pages or more worth of writing and should be comical and full of story. Whoever receives this job will first have to complete this finale I have begun here that you can now see I will never finish. You must have my written permission or I will report you to the website and believe me, that's a real bugger. Please remember to follow all of these instructions and whoever gets the job shall receive further instructions. I want this to be done right. If you want me to read your work to decide if you are right to take up my mantle, then message me via this account. Thank you for reading.


End file.
